Oshodi Lasgidi Driving, no bumper 2 bumper

25 RULES OF ENGAGEMENT, Lagos Driving 101

1. When in doubt, accelerate!

2. Be prepared to ram anything stoping you wearing uniform in Lagos (police, traffic warden,FRSC, Kai brigade, fire brigade, VIO, lastma, lamata, laswa, even lawma sef)

3. If you get caught by any chance, DO NOT allow them to enter your car, if they happen to get in DO NOT drive from that spot (vere off traffic & settle 5hun), and if they don’t agree, form calling your uncle who is in the army (believe me it always works), never follow them to ANY sort of office except you wanna pay X10

4. Never give police or VIO your original particulars (whether expired or up to date)

5. Danfo drivers believe they are immortal. NEVER yield to the temptation to teach them otherwise.

6. Okada riders have a pact with suicide, avoid them like a plaque

7. Avoid BRT buses in all ramifications, they have NO brakes

8. Taxi cabs (oko asewo) should always have the right of way, all of them have been driving in Lagos for 25yrs.

9. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.

10. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. Survival of the fittest you may say!

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. In Lagos, potholes (and sometimes car-holes) are put in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and shock absorbers,( I saw one man fishing in one of the potholes last week).

12. There is no such thing as “one-way”in Lagos. Expect traffic from any direction at all times. The okada riders are the experts in this area.

13. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork, except you want to spend ur whole saturday @ the panel beater’s place.

14. Morning rush-hours are equivalent to Lagos grand prix (who gets to the junction first)

15. There is no such thing as a short-cut during rush-hour traffic in Lagos. Everybody might be inclined to take that ’short-cut’.

16. When asking for directions, always ask at least 3 people. Lagosians ALWAYS claim to know every inch of the city – even areas they’ve never been to.

17. Use extreme caution when pulling into service lanes. Service lanes are not for breaking down the traffic, but for speeding, especially during rush hour.

18. Never use directional signals, since they only confound and distract other Lagos drivers, who are not used to them.

19. Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. Lagos drivers, unused to such courtesies, will think you are making obscene gestures to them. This could be very bad for you in Lagos.

20. Hazard lights (popularly called “double pointer”) is not, (as commonly supposed) used to indicate a hazard. It is a warning to you that he is a bonafide Lagos driver, he’s headed ’straight’ and as such, will not stop under any circumstance. Take him extremely seriously especially if he backs it up with a continuous blast from his “horn”.

21. At any given time, do not stand on the zebra crossing expecting traffic to yield to you, or else you will have to explain to the on coming traffic whether you look like a zebra.

22. Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel guilty.

23. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.

24. In Las Gidi every spot is a potential bus stop. FRSC and LASTMA know that too. It is in their constitution.

25. Above all, keep moving. Even with a flat tire!!!

HORNING IN LAGOS

- ‘Horn’ when someone executes a dangerous manoeuvre.

- ‘Horn’ when you’re about to move off.

- ‘Horn’ when you’re about to overtake.

- ‘Horn’ when someone is about to overtake you.

- ‘Horn’ when turning into a road.

- ‘Horn’ when emerging from a road.

- ‘Horn’ back when someone horns at you. It’s considered good etiquette.

- ‘Horn’ when you hear a chorus of horns. Don’t worry if you don’t know what all the ‘horning’ is about.

- ‘Horn’ when you’re happy.

- ‘Horn’ to the beat when you’re playing music in your car.

Good luck, as you expeditiously navigate through Lagos and hustle and bustle!

Source: Mayowa Owoeye (facebook notes)

Bookmark It

Tyres expire and may burst 4 years after their DOM. See how to check your DOM

Checking your tyre air pressure (gauge), date of manufacture, maximum load, maximum speed, traction and treading can save your life on Lagos roads. Here are DIY pictures on how to inspect your tyre before and after purchase. Bad roads, bad tyres, poor brakes, alcohol and dangerous driving are leading causes of death on our roads and with the rainy season swooping in, the FRSC expects to see more especially on Federal and inter-state roads.

Tips for surviving the rainy season in Lagos.

In an article by Reuben Abati, “Motor accident is an easy cause of death in Nigeria. The roads are bad. The drivers are reckless. The vehicles are mostly second hand, used vehicles from Europe and North America running on used and worn tyres that are not made for the tropics. Earlier this year, the FRSC reported that over 1.2 million persons died from motor accident-related injuries in 2008 alone! The hospitals are ill-equipped, there is no emergency rescue facility, and concerned passers-by who usually stop to help, have no clues about how to deal with emergencies and save lives. Nigerians survive on the roads, by “the grace of God”

Please see Aderinola’s blog for more road accident articles.

LagosMet Verdict: Tyre skids, bursts and punctures can cause death to other motorists and pedestrians as well. Why not spend that money and go to sleep than buy the tyre that has the potential to claim yours and other peoples lives? Don’t drive a time-bomb, please help make the roads safe for Lagosians, we can’t be deprived of security, electricity, good roads, jobs and fuel and also face self-inflicted injuries from one another. Let us try to learn and apply new things so that we can move forward. Ignorance is no excuse… in this case. Eko o ni baje o!

Bookmark It

The Police is your friend

FRSC (Road Safety), VIU (MOT), Customs, LASTMA, Lagos KAI and Nigeria Police

LagosMet Rainy Season: My do’s and don’ts for motorists and passengers – How to survive the rainy season.

If you do not have Certificate of Roadworthiness (not M.O.T.) quickly get yours from the authorised source ASAP, that’s to start with. Another issue that’s likely to cause confusion and ultimately, extortion is the issue of Tax Clearance Certificate for tax payers. Have you been told that your vehicle particulars, license, number plates or even your car itself are illegal? Have you seen the “men of the force” break or tear these before your very eyes? Have you been “stopped and searched” by the “authorities” only to find bullets or marijuana in your car without knowing how they got in there? Have you ever bribed a policeman? Have you ever been threatened with an “official” weapon or with “detention”? Have you been physically assaulted? Have you escaped LASTMA by whiskers? Do you feel your heart pop out of your chest when you sight the FRSC? Did you fill your vehicle forms by yourself or did you “runs” it? Have you ever unknowingly ventured into the opposite direction of a “one-way” road? Did you get away with it during the day?

Warning!!!: Always go out with photocopies of your documents (except for the driver’s license) and ensure you have at least 500 naira in your safe.

This is one never ending topic – I can’t even compile all in one month. I’ll take a little at a time, and then like Nollywood, I’ll give you part 1, part 2… Firstly, I’ll start with what you probably know. Before you go with me, please see Traffic Offences and Fines in Lagos State

A punch reporter writes:

“It is always difficult to complete the payment process in one day, even if the arrest/booking was made in the morning. By implication, the impounded vehicle will pass the night in the custody of the VIOs. And that means paying extra for demurrage. But having an MOT certificate may not be enough to be out of the VIOs’ trouble as some of the documents are adjudged to be fake.Having a fake MOT is as bad as not having any at all.”

Police documents (I mean what they need to see when they stop you)
1. Vehicle Particulars gummed to your Windscreen
2. Driver’s license
3. 3rd Party Insurance
4. Occasionally, P.of.O. (proof of ownership) – here they may question you on your relationship with the owner if the car is not yours.
5. Seat Belt (you’ll be shocked)
6. Stop and search (the law is – you should search a policeman thoroughly before allowing him to search your vehicle. Several people ended up behind bars for refusing to bribe the police. By right, a policeman can search you if there is a warrant for a missing laptop (e.g.) with the serial number matching yours. You must search a police officer before allowing him to search you, if you don’t want to end up on crime fighters.
7. Crash Helmet
8. Wetin you carry (in your trunk). Always ensure all glasses are up before going to the trunk of your car, they can easily throw stuff in it.

LASTMA
1. Driver’s license
2. Central Unlock (I’m not joking, they are ever ready to jump in if you let your guards down)
3. Your key (if you are really dumb)
4. Other police documents including certificate of roadworthiness (if you don’t know your right)
5. Seat Belt (very very important)
6. Baby in front seat (serious trouble)

Generally, LASTMA attempts to do FRSC duties as the former is tied to internal routes while the latter should only man federal roads. This implies that LASTMA can charge you for receiving calls without using headset, while driving.

FRSC and maybe, VIO/VIU
1. Driver’s license
2. General Vehicle Registration info
3. Fire extinguisher
4. Jack, Wheel Spanner, C-Caution, trafficators, inner lights, all the lights, horn, wipers, tyres …
5. Original number plates
6. Baby in front seat (very serious trouble)

So much to mention… I’ll update this with time, you can bookmark this page (safe).

Now back to the issue of TCC. If you pay tax, get your Tax Clearance Card, it’s likely to become the next pot-hole for unsuspecting motorists. We know our law enforcement (or law breaking) agents love making money out of “Government orders” like limit on old imported cars, right hand driving, the old odd number – even number plate driving days e.t.c. Now I’ll give a brief report on my people.

1. The Police: You almost cannot avoid them, even on Sunday Morning, and on their day, you can never be right. Here, Tokunbo captures the yellow fever as they attempt to stop a real Lagosian. Here again, a policeman is sentenced to death for killing a civilian over 20 naira bribe. While some are villains, a few are heroes who stand up to defend the civilians whose funds were used to purchase the guns they carry about, in order to protect us. I’ve met a few true policemen, seriously. Depending on how you handle a policeman, he is potentially your friend. Know when to smile and when to bone. Remember, you can get out of ANY police situation if you know how to ‘relate’, without paying a dime even if you are driving a big car. I’ve done it a few times (but I sent recharge cards afterwards o!). For RRS, please cooperate with orders, for ARS please, I beg of you please please please, be extremely cooperative and observant. I guess they have the license to kill. If you have links to lawyers or military men, you are 50% above the law. If you have links within the police, hmm some 80%, if DPO and above, 99%, if Commissioner or IG, 100% FREE!

LASTMA ready to tow

2. LASTMA: Hmm, I’ve made a few friends with these guys, highest i’ve paid – 1,000 naira. A few times, I got away. If you’ve got some military (Army, Navy, Air Force) or even Combatant MOPOL sticker, you are 99% above the law. If you leave home before 6:00am and leave your office after 7:30pm, you most likely won’t encounter any of the law enforcement agents (except of course, our friends – the Police). On Awolowo Road, they come with the police to move all vehicles parked on the sides and you pay at least 15,000 naira to get your car back. Woe betide those without military stickers (by now you can see that this is more important than all your documents put together). Now you are thinking these guys are not dangerous cos they aren’t armed? You are totally wrong! Here LASTMA officials killed a passenger with an umbrella.  Elsewhere, a LASTMA official stands trial for collecting 10,000 naira from a car owner, see yawa. Lastma sacks 24 (http://thepmnews.com/2009/01/28/lastma-sacks-24)More?

See Contact details of Top LASTMA, LAMATA, Drainage e.t.c. officers and executives.

FRSC on fire

3. FRSC: These guys don’t listen to shite. They move you (tow, fly, pull, drag) to their office where you pay and get your receipt so you can put it in a frame and display it in your living room! These guys could be ruthless though, two Sundays ago, I saw an ugly scene at Ilupeju Bypass where an FRSC official brought out a brand new special (maybe official) axe and attempted to axe a motorist who was pleading with him, everyone around took to their heels, I was about slowing down, but man, i thought of my mother (mama dey for house like Fela said) and stepped on it.

Here, Tayo Odukoya pictures the FRSC living what they preach. An FRSC car goes up in flames with no fire extinguisher (Ironic, isn’t it?).

4. Others KAI, VIU e.t.c they come up everyday. Some factions wear purple, some lemon green and green, some yellow, red, pink, some have 24-bit colours! like the ones on Ligali Ayorinde Street who report to their Oga at the Local Government Secretariat and arrest you for slow driving or looking out of your window or illegal “trafficating” or stopping. As for inter-state routes, the Customs are all out looking for Cotonou-imported cars, impounding them and charging as high as 250,000 naira for fake customs papers. More on that later.

All these haven’t gone unnoticed as Gov. Fashola declares war on such indiscipline and threatens to sanction such corrupt people.

Acronyms (in zig-zag “order”)

RRS – Rapid Response Squad

ARS – Anti-Response Squad

MOT – Ministry of Transportation Certificate

MOPOL – Mobile Police

FRSC – Federal Road Safety Corporation (no mercy)

Police – NPF or Olopa (our best friends – seriously)

Traffic Warden - Yellow Fever (Red top or light green reflectors on Police Uniform, usually more peaceful and more useful unless flanked by the Police or LASTMA or both)

VIO – Vehicle Inspection Officer

VIU – Vehicle Inspection Unit (Yellow with diagonal black stripes)

KAI – Kick Against Indiscipline

LASTMA – Lagos State Traffic Management Authority

P of O - Proof of Ownership

Traffic – Means real go slow!

To be continued…

Joor oh! Mi o le fi ARS ta eyin o! (Please, I don’t joke with the Anti-Robbery Squad)

Joke of the day: WarriTV reports on the Niger Delta Crisis (wafi pidgin, youtube)

Bookmark It

Just before you dip your hands into your pocket to pay “that man”, think about it, is it worth it?

You better put your thing down flip it and reverse it…

Bookmark It