Happy New Year all,

It is my helpless displeasure to announce to you that you may be asked to ’strip naked’ to US Airport officials as from today. They may even request to shave your… erm… erm hair, so do yourself a big favour by shaving “that” before travelling. Wash your panties, dirty boxers and your bra, you may be asked to strip on a long queue (you know we Nigerians sabi travel). Don’t wear a Ralph suit and Oshodi boxers, same goes for stockings (socks). If you sweat a lot, please get some good quality cotton singlet. The search is “extensive” they say, so expect to spend at least 60 minutes upon arrival. Book the Taxi cab/ Appointment accordingly. The sky is our limit, we are constantly re-branding Nigeria. Although corruption has reduced (that’s what they said) we have moved up in other departments. Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab’s suicide bombing issue, barring.

In Yahoo News, the words were politically, diplomatically and wisely selected but they mean “plenty”, see:

“Beginning Monday, air travelers flying into the United States from Saudi Arabia, Nigeria, Yemen and other “countries of interest” will be subjected to enhanced screening techniques, such as body scans, pat-downs and a thorough search of carry-on luggage. Passengers are subjected to special screening, including full body searches, in a designated area of the departure lounge, said the spokesman, Sultan Hasan.

My major concern is that I have a phobia for scanning machines. I know that frequent subjection to scanning rays could be detrimental to the human health on the long run. I have said time and before that I would someday consider changing Nationality and if tomorrow I claim to be Togolese, please don’t blame me, I’d rather be Ghanian than face this humiliation and phobia come true. Someone once said “There is NO single benefit of being a Nigerian” and I say to you today. There is at least one. No fuel, no jobs, no food, no water, no money, no reputation, no this, no that, but there is TIME (don’t hiss, every country has 24 hours and whatever you do with YOUR 24 hours…)! Dora, hope I made sense?

What a “perfect” way to start the new year!

Sources: http://rubminds.com/forums/world-news/nigerian-terrorist/

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_airline_security

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Ritualists behead boy after disguising as pregnant women and forcing parents to sacrifice son at gun point.

It has come to a point where everyone must mind their business to the detriment of those who need help, including pregnant women. A family was traveling on one of our highways when they saw a pregnant woman (ritualist in disguise) crying for help as supposedly in labor pains. The man driving never wanted to stop as he was not convinced but the wife being a woman that had gone through labor pains before pleaded with her husband to stop and help the so-called pregnant woman.
As soon as they stopped and came out from their car to help this ritualist in pregnant woman’s form, little did they
know that was going to be the beginning of sorrows in their Home. When they reached out to help this So-call woman, some fellows just came out from the bush and made a painful offer to them: They either give up one of their children or they will all be killed!!!

This family supposing these fellows to be gang of kidnappers agreed to give them one of their children (a boy) thinking they will soon ask for a ransom on the boy but never knew they have just offered their son for sacrifice to the ritualists.. The poor boy was asking the parents – “Daddy & Mummy why me??????????”.LagosMet.com

They were asked to go and they started their car and zoomed off and just few minutes from the scene of this horror, they met some policemen and narrated their ordeal to them and the Police decided to go back with them to see whether they will see anything there, only for them to meet the headless dead Body of their SON with fresh blood gushing out like water with no trace of these evil people!!!!!!!!!!!

Will this mother ever forgive herself for urging her Husband to stop and help?????????????? Will this family ever be the same again???????????????????

Please send this to all your friends especially people who travel at night. It is unfortunate that people who now need help will not get it as the bad eggs have mingled with the good ones and are destroying the country with their evil intentions.

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

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Fellas, our creative neighbours have discovered new ways of laying ambush for unsuspecting lagosians. The latest trick now works like this.

1. You park your car at the mall, an eatery, a cinema or church.
2. Someone removes your number plate, the one closest to the wall or another car.
3. You get in the car and drive off
4. Someone in okada or taxi or any car flags you down brandishing your number plate in your face (you recognize it cos its yours and you are not like me – I don’t know mine!)
5. You slow down and park hoping to tip the good samaritan and continue your mugu journey but the “well-meaning” lagosian shows you his red eye and robs you pants down, if possible, steal your car.
6. You are now officially on your own. If you are mature enough to follow protocol (your best bet), you call the police, go home take a bathe, thank God for preserving your life and sleep your sorrows away. Joy cometh in the morning brother. Next time. Next freaking time, obey your instincts.

What do we do?
You now need to check both number plates before leaving the parking lot, either way, do NOT stop even if someone on bike (okada) or another car shows you your mother’s head, in fact, exercise your rights on the wheels, NO SPEED LIMIT!

ps: It could be your scarf, notebook, mobile phone, but whatever it is, just let it go.

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Kidnapping is the next big thing after Yahoozee

Tips on Avoiding Kidnappers and Ritualists

I told you back then, that Kidnapping was one of the highest paying non-white collar job. As employers cut costs and lay people off, trying to play smart, criminals have also returned to the drawing board, carving out schooled tactics (tricks) borne out of survival instincts… to make money at all cost! Comedy, Music, and Theatre art courses are sold out in institutions today but I’m seriously holding out for a course on Kidnapping, since it’s the next big thing after 419 Scamming. I received this mail from a friend and will encourage you to pass on to friends and loved ones. Don’t let greed get the best of you. I don’t pray to lose anyone right now, cos to be frank with you, I can’t even get a puppy out of their jail. Listen to me now or deal with them O.Y.O. (on your own). Remember, only the living can take decisions.

Dear All,
A new modus operandi is currently being used by kidnappers to lure unsuspecting victims to their hideout, usually an office-like apartment. This new trend has made it easy and less risky for the kidnappers as they don’t have to fire gun shots in the air to scare people or face risk of Police intervention at the point of kidnap.

First they will study you, your kind of business, your household and other activities, laying more emphasis on the kind of job you do and also good knowledge of your interests. They will of course have your full contact details. When they have all these information, they will put a call to you, claiming to offer you a business deal or to offer you something you have planned to have or buy. When they have convinced you, they will ask you to meet them at an agreed location where they will explain further, show you or deliver the expectant goods to you. The location they refer to is their hideout for kidnap victims and from there they will transfer their victims at gun point to other locations.

This is the current trend in Lagos and other cities in Nigeria and all of us should be very cautious of this. This has happened to a lot of business men and unsuspecting corporate staff and is still happening. This new trend makes it very difficult to trace the victims’ whereabouts as they (victims) tend to keep the business deal to themselves until after it has been concluded.

PRECAUTIONARY MEASURES:
1). Do not disclose information concerning your self/family/business to every one you come in contact with. Limit information about yourself and nature of work to only those you trust.
2). Do not disclose personal/official intended project plans to every one or discuss it in public places.
3). On receipt of such calls, and they want you to meet them, play along with them and request them to meet you instead – Decide the venue of the meeting…
4). Don’t be in a hurry to end the telephone conversation as they will be ready to continue to try to convince you. Get a second person around you to know what is going on and quickly alert the Police.
5) Do not leave minors unattended or alone at home.
6). Above all, if you are in doubt, end the conversation by saying “thank you, I am not interested”.

Please share this information with your staff, families,house-helps, drivers and well wishers.

Please pass this information to your family & friends.

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Daylight Bank Robberies are now the order of the day as Niger Delta boys step up from kidnapping and demanding ransome to actually tapping from the source of the ransoms. Banks within and outside Lagos now open in fear as these ruthless guys come in armed and trigger happy. You may find the following pictures disgusting as they contain very violent scenes and blood. View at your discretion.

The bullet holes, violence, the blood splatter, the destruction and the psychological trauma of all who witnessed this. God help us. Name of bank and branch witheld.

Here The Punch has a January Bank Robbery report

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