The Police is your friend

FRSC (Road Safety), VIU (MOT), Customs, LASTMA, Lagos KAI and Nigeria Police

LagosMet Rainy Season: My do’s and don’ts for motorists and passengers – How to survive the rainy season.

If you do not have Certificate of Roadworthiness (not M.O.T.) quickly get yours from the authorised source ASAP, that’s to start with. Another issue that’s likely to cause confusion and ultimately, extortion is the issue of Tax Clearance Certificate for tax payers. Have you been told that your vehicle particulars, license, number plates or even your car itself are illegal? Have you seen the “men of the force” break or tear these before your very eyes? Have you been “stopped and searched” by the “authorities” only to find bullets or marijuana in your car without knowing how they got in there? Have you ever bribed a policeman? Have you ever been threatened with an “official” weapon or with “detention”? Have you been physically assaulted? Have you escaped LASTMA by whiskers? Do you feel your heart pop out of your chest when you sight the FRSC? Did you fill your vehicle forms by yourself or did you “runs” it? Have you ever unknowingly ventured into the opposite direction of a “one-way” road? Did you get away with it during the day?

Warning!!!: Always go out with photocopies of your documents (except for the driver’s license) and ensure you have at least 500 naira in your safe.

This is one never ending topic – I can’t even compile all in one month. I’ll take a little at a time, and then like Nollywood, I’ll give you part 1, part 2… Firstly, I’ll start with what you probably know. Before you go with me, please see Traffic Offences and Fines in Lagos State

A punch reporter writes:

“It is always difficult to complete the payment process in one day, even if the arrest/booking was made in the morning. By implication, the impounded vehicle will pass the night in the custody of the VIOs. And that means paying extra for demurrage. But having an MOT certificate may not be enough to be out of the VIOs’ trouble as some of the documents are adjudged to be fake.Having a fake MOT is as bad as not having any at all.”

Police documents (I mean what they need to see when they stop you)
1. Vehicle Particulars gummed to your Windscreen
2. Driver’s license
3. 3rd Party Insurance
4. Occasionally, P.of.O. (proof of ownership) – here they may question you on your relationship with the owner if the car is not yours.
5. Seat Belt (you’ll be shocked)
6. Stop and search (the law is – you should search a policeman thoroughly before allowing him to search your vehicle. Several people ended up behind bars for refusing to bribe the police. By right, a policeman can search you if there is a warrant for a missing laptop (e.g.) with the serial number matching yours. You must search a police officer before allowing him to search you, if you don’t want to end up on crime fighters.
7. Crash Helmet
8. Wetin you carry (in your trunk). Always ensure all glasses are up before going to the trunk of your car, they can easily throw stuff in it.

LASTMA
1. Driver’s license
2. Central Unlock (I’m not joking, they are ever ready to jump in if you let your guards down)
3. Your key (if you are really dumb)
4. Other police documents including certificate of roadworthiness (if you don’t know your right)
5. Seat Belt (very very important)
6. Baby in front seat (serious trouble)

Generally, LASTMA attempts to do FRSC duties as the former is tied to internal routes while the latter should only man federal roads. This implies that LASTMA can charge you for receiving calls without using headset, while driving.

FRSC and maybe, VIO/VIU
1. Driver’s license
2. General Vehicle Registration info
3. Fire extinguisher
4. Jack, Wheel Spanner, C-Caution, trafficators, inner lights, all the lights, horn, wipers, tyres …
5. Original number plates
6. Baby in front seat (very serious trouble)

So much to mention… I’ll update this with time, you can bookmark this page (safe).

Now back to the issue of TCC. If you pay tax, get your Tax Clearance Card, it’s likely to become the next pot-hole for unsuspecting motorists. We know our law enforcement (or law breaking) agents love making money out of “Government orders” like limit on old imported cars, right hand driving, the old odd number – even number plate driving days e.t.c. Now I’ll give a brief report on my people.

1. The Police: You almost cannot avoid them, even on Sunday Morning, and on their day, you can never be right. Here, Tokunbo captures the yellow fever as they attempt to stop a real Lagosian. Here again, a policeman is sentenced to death for killing a civilian over 20 naira bribe. While some are villains, a few are heroes who stand up to defend the civilians whose funds were used to purchase the guns they carry about, in order to protect us. I’ve met a few true policemen, seriously. Depending on how you handle a policeman, he is potentially your friend. Know when to smile and when to bone. Remember, you can get out of ANY police situation if you know how to ‘relate’, without paying a dime even if you are driving a big car. I’ve done it a few times (but I sent recharge cards afterwards o!). For RRS, please cooperate with orders, for ARS please, I beg of you please please please, be extremely cooperative and observant. I guess they have the license to kill. If you have links to lawyers or military men, you are 50% above the law. If you have links within the police, hmm some 80%, if DPO and above, 99%, if Commissioner or IG, 100% FREE!

LASTMA ready to tow

2. LASTMA: Hmm, I’ve made a few friends with these guys, highest i’ve paid – 1,000 naira. A few times, I got away. If you’ve got some military (Army, Navy, Air Force) or even Combatant MOPOL sticker, you are 99% above the law. If you leave home before 6:00am and leave your office after 7:30pm, you most likely won’t encounter any of the law enforcement agents (except of course, our friends – the Police). On Awolowo Road, they come with the police to move all vehicles parked on the sides and you pay at least 15,000 naira to get your car back. Woe betide those without military stickers (by now you can see that this is more important than all your documents put together). Now you are thinking these guys are not dangerous cos they aren’t armed? You are totally wrong! Here LASTMA officials killed a passenger with an umbrella.  Elsewhere, a LASTMA official stands trial for collecting 10,000 naira from a car owner, see yawa. Lastma sacks 24 (http://thepmnews.com/2009/01/28/lastma-sacks-24)More?

See Contact details of Top LASTMA, LAMATA, Drainage e.t.c. officers and executives.

FRSC on fire

3. FRSC: These guys don’t listen to shite. They move you (tow, fly, pull, drag) to their office where you pay and get your receipt so you can put it in a frame and display it in your living room! These guys could be ruthless though, two Sundays ago, I saw an ugly scene at Ilupeju Bypass where an FRSC official brought out a brand new special (maybe official) axe and attempted to axe a motorist who was pleading with him, everyone around took to their heels, I was about slowing down, but man, i thought of my mother (mama dey for house like Fela said) and stepped on it.

Here, Tayo Odukoya pictures the FRSC living what they preach. An FRSC car goes up in flames with no fire extinguisher (Ironic, isn’t it?).

4. Others KAI, VIU e.t.c they come up everyday. Some factions wear purple, some lemon green and green, some yellow, red, pink, some have 24-bit colours! like the ones on Ligali Ayorinde Street who report to their Oga at the Local Government Secretariat and arrest you for slow driving or looking out of your window or illegal “trafficating” or stopping. As for inter-state routes, the Customs are all out looking for Cotonou-imported cars, impounding them and charging as high as 250,000 naira for fake customs papers. More on that later.

All these haven’t gone unnoticed as Gov. Fashola declares war on such indiscipline and threatens to sanction such corrupt people.

Acronyms (in zig-zag “order”)

RRS – Rapid Response Squad

ARS – Anti-Response Squad

MOT – Ministry of Transportation Certificate

MOPOL – Mobile Police

FRSC – Federal Road Safety Corporation (no mercy)

Police – NPF or Olopa (our best friends – seriously)

Traffic Warden - Yellow Fever (Red top or light green reflectors on Police Uniform, usually more peaceful and more useful unless flanked by the Police or LASTMA or both)

VIO – Vehicle Inspection Officer

VIU – Vehicle Inspection Unit (Yellow with diagonal black stripes)

KAI – Kick Against Indiscipline

LASTMA – Lagos State Traffic Management Authority

P of O - Proof of Ownership

Traffic – Means real go slow!

To be continued…

Joor oh! Mi o le fi ARS ta eyin o! (Please, I don’t joke with the Anti-Robbery Squad)

Joke of the day: WarriTV reports on the Niger Delta Crisis (wafi pidgin, youtube)

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Awolowo - Falomo Bridge

Lagos has been at a standstill all day and heavy traffic starting from Bonny camp has spread to Ojodu Berger and beyond. People spent an average of 4:30 hours from the mainland to the Island. If you have any plan to visit Victoria Island today, the best thing to do is to cancel it. I feel sorry for people who are stuck in that traffic with Manual gears and without A/C or with 10 litres of fuel. Believe me, you don’t want to be caught in that traffic by sunset when armed robbers and mobile phone agents are likely to take undue advantage of the unfortunate incidence.

Why the gridlock? A dead container trailer blocked the road to Bonny camp completely, such that even Okadas cannot squeeze into the tiny space leaving the whole of Lagos no other choice than to go through Falomo bridge, the second of three land ways to get into V.I. (The third option is the Ikorodu-Epe expressway). As a result, traffic from the third mainland bridge and Western Avenue all explore means to get to Falomo bridge either through Awolowo Road or Osbourne/Kingsway.

Zoom in on Awolowo Road

I don’t even want to think about the amount of man-hours or fuel burnt in traffic, I just know the State Government will come up with a law limiting trailers henceforth. For the sake of one man, Lagos suffered terribly on a Friday. Thank God it’s Friday!

Going home? Well, I’ll let you know how it is, that’s if people have not explored the unlawful one-way option, thereby blocking all incoming routes. As for me, I’m not leaving the Island until 9:45pm, or better still 11:00pm. Don’t wait for me though, cos I can as well crash somewhere on the Island… or in the car.

Enjoy your weekend.

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Mouth-to-mouth… Please pass this on…

Return of the Robbers

DEAR ALL,
We received the message below from a friend of the Bank and hastened to share with all staff and friends. Kindly read and make use of the relevant information contained herein:
As you are probably aware, the spate of criminality in Lagos in the last few days has reached an alarming stage in which all staff resident in these areas need to exercise extra caution in carrying out their daily and nightly choirs. This is rampant in VI, LEKKI, ILUPEJU, IKEJA, AIRPORT ROADS & IKOYI in recent days.

MODUS OPERANDI.

Armed robbers mostly in their youth of ages ranging from 17yrs to 24yrs have been noticed to be the culprits. In the most recent cases, five different techniques have been adopted.
1.        They ride in Okada and are mostly three in numbers or in convoy of two motorbikes carrying one or two persons on each motor bike. They usually target their victims and follow them closely while the person is heading home both during the day and at night, sometimes to office.
2.        On the road while driving, they follow their target closely knowing pretty well that he/she might stop to buy some things while the traffic is slow or change the lane. In that case they will block their victim and one of them will Flash a fake identity card claiming to be a security agent and once he gains entrance into your car he points his pistol at you and commands you to drive him straight to your house or remote hidden unknown hotel under gun point , then either rob or ask for ransom, (It could be worse if wife or female teenager are at home).
3.        They also pretend to be hawkers of recharge cards on the road. They carry used and unused recharge cards and an unsuspecting person who winds down car glasses to make a purchase especially at night falls victim to them and they will attack the person and dispossess him/her of his/her valuables and if the person is unlucky they might injure him/her.
4.        It has also been noticed that most of these Armed robbers who use these Motorbikes use illegal motor bike repair spots especially within Lekki and Osborne road area as a base to watch out for their unsuspecting victims.
5.        The most recent method adopted by these robbers is to throw old used tyres on approaching vehicles or use these tyres to narrow the road so that motorist will slow down. They sometimes cross in front of car while others stand at a clear distanced observing then attack.
6.        Young attractive girls, as early as 6 am or on Sunday or holidays afternoon turn up at your door bells and pretend to have message from your house help or seeking neighbours address and gain entry to your door, suddenly go naked and shout for help and before you know it, her accompanied armed boys are on you, even some times fake police.
PRECAUTIONARY MEASURES.
The following are tips to exercise caution in this kind of situations
1.        Be vigilant at all times while driving and ensure that your doors are firmly locked while you are inside.
2.        Buy your recharge cards while you are in the office or at home and avoid buying things in traffic, it has become very costly to do that.
3.        Before you branch off to your gate at night watch carefully through your side/inner mirrors and if possible contact your security personnel in your house or any of your family member …to let them know that you are on your way home.
4.        If you notice any unusual gathering of Motorbikes around your neighborhood probably as motorbike repair spots kindly report to the nearest Police station.
5.        While driving to work early in the morning, control your speed and always look ahead of you and if you’re being driven by a driver advice him accordingly and also watch out as well.
6.        In case you are being accosted by these evil men, don’t panic, don’t move your hands unless they asked you to do so, be calm and leave your engine running unless advised otherwise.
7.        Signal your family or security in a coded manner but unnoticed by the devil so they take precautionary measure.
8.        Do not exchange foreign currency in your office to the knowledge of any one or at your residence in presence of house help/ driver or security.
Do not announce your foreign travel or holiday to your house help or driver before two or 3hrs of journey time. Driver and cook have sent armed robbers to their masters. A case at hand is one executive of a Bank who travelled to the UK on 19th Sept. The house help cleared the house before his return.
9.        Pray, pray, pray.

Eko o ni baje o!

Kudos to whoever compiled this.

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My Tata Nano

Tata Nano and Lagos State, will it survive? A review.

Kia Picanto, I10, QQ, Maruti 800, Nano… Namaste! I think “we” know ourselves when it comes to class. You butterish ones, I ain’t talking to y’all, na we dem dem I dey follow yarn. I know you can afford the Smartcars ForTwos and cohorts but you won’t go near this one I can bet. Why? Cos it’s so dang cheap! When I’m thinking Mini-Car to office every Lagos day, you are thinking of driving it down the golf course only. Wait a minute? Even if GTB, UBA, Oceanic, PHB, Zenith and Intercontinental all “collabo” to donate this “ride” (yes, ride, not motor) to my pitiable cause, am I ready to put my one and only life into the driver seat and hit Western Avenue? Yeparipa, come with me and let’s inspect my dream toy. Please advise rightly, put yourself in my shoes, be thy brother’s keeper, even if I can’t be of “help” to someone else.

The Red Nano, high and cheap

I’ve cruised a few really low (in terms of clearance, not height) cars on the streets of Las Gidi in the past. Volkswagen Bug and Kia Picanto to be precise and I know what it takes having one as your only “donkey” (remember Tico Daewoo?). Not nice at all. Every day you fight a battle against three foes; flood, bumps (including speed breakers) and pot-holes and you just never get to win. For a roadside mechanic who “knows his job” your sump and other car parts closer to the ground are bound to drill holes in your pocket (you should know by now that I’m more of a pessimist). Okay, nor vex, back to the topic. I did not say hatchback, read well, I said minicar sometimes called SmartCar so if you are thinking Swift, Rio or even Golf or Mini then you are getting it all mixed up because I’m not even talking about the Benz SmartCar or other look alikes but about these sub 1.1-llitre (mostly 800cc or less) engine minicars, usually with four doors, low ground clearance and looks that remind you of the Pocket PC. Unlike most SmartCars, these minicars ship with 4 doors.

Suzuki's $4,000 Maruti 800

As you are reading this, I just got me a wooden kolo (little bank) to save as much as I can before the Nano finds its way to the hungry Lagos Market.

QQ3 not a hit in Lagos

I’m trying to imagine my Nano speeding past the Cayenne and LR3 on the third mainland bridge, defying the laws of Lagoon breeze and Lagos Madness. I’m not scared cos I’ve seen the Chery QQ3 and Hyundai I10 do 100 on the freeway. With 160 cm of height and 18cm of ground clearance, the Nano is more suited to the rigours of Lagos roads compared with QQ3’s 12.5cm, but with a rear engine I think i’m covered for balance. If you know what I mean, the typical Kia Sportage stands 7.7 inches (20 cm) from the ground. Compared with Maruti 800’s 800cc engine, my nano has a little above 600 and with a 2-cylinder engine, I’m eager to hear what it’ll sound like (keke Napep), hopefully the horn should compensate for the bike-like sound on the road. The electronic engine management should get the best out of our tiny set-up including fuel consumption. A gallon (4 litres) can take you as far as almost 90km. Besides, you only need 1,050 (one thousand and fifty) naira to fill your 15-litre tank! QQ3 has 38 litres. Don’t mention, I can’t wait for the luxury version so I’ll go with the standard version which has no a/c. Now if I were to “bus” to Ibadan, I would be looking at 500 naira to and maybe 450 naira fro (on the average, usually more). That’s almost my full tank and I only need half my tank to drive down to Molete and back but Lagostically thinking, I’d pick 3 other passengers up at Berger (@ 150 naira per seat, not butts) for 450 naira and do the same on the return trip… with 900 naira, that’s more fuel than my tank can hold. Who says having your brand new car doesn’t make sense? As for parking space, you shouldn’t have a problem, 2 nanos can park in your typical Volvo 740 parking space.

For the techies:

Th!nk city, Mini look-alike

The Tata Nano has  a rear-wheel drive, all-aluminium, two-cylinder, 623 cc, 33 PS, multi point fuel injection petrol (MPFI) engine. It’s a petrol engine of course. Rear wheel drive, rear engine configuration means that the front end is very light, and you would not feel the need for power steering. The powertrain of the Tata Nano is set in the rear. Maximum power and maximum torque is  35 bhp @ 5500 rpm and 4.8 kgm @ 3000 rpm, respectively. In terms of performance, the Nano can go from 0 to 60 kph in approximately in 8 Seconds, hitting a top speed of 105 kph. I bet you dont want to swerve or switch double lanes at that point.

On RubMinds.com, a poster from Ireland said she wouldn’t travel long distances due to traffic and fuel scarcity on the expressway, the kerb weight of 600kg didn’t go down either due to strong winds and seating capacity means no lift of any kind to Orobo people.

Warranty on the Nano is 18 months or 24,000 Km, please don’t raise your hopes. Joor oh! Mi o le fi Keke Napep le Trailer o!

$16,000 Smart - the popular one

The summary of it all is that the Nano will work in Lagos but you must not expect too much from it (at least for the price). Not a bad car at all and at 500,000 naira a unit, it’s much better than buying a tokunbo car. There is currently no support but I think Tata should set up big time in Lagos sometime next year after fulfilling their promise to Indians. There is a chance that more and more cheaper cars can be manufactured or are we just paying too much for some cars that aren’t worth that much, like mobile phones? Will the Nano sell? Are you kidding me? Expect to see Glo Nano 100,000 cars Rule and Win Promo Bye-bye to one-chance or crash helmet… He he he. I’m not asking you to donate cash, please donate yarns, should I save or should I just buy a plot of Land at Mowe (25k per month)? Jaiho ooo!

Recessity is the mother of Invention

In Francis Dike’s words, Lagos Naija are you ready for this?

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The world’s best place to live in, the worst place to work

Lagos Island

I tried real hard not to discuss this topic but I have since found myself caught in the middle of such arguments initiated by first time visitors to Lagos. Work is still on going and I sincerely believe Lagos will be the best place on earth to work when issues such as security, drainage and traffic have been resolved.

AOL’s survey: http://video.aol.com/video-detail/lagos-voted-worst-place-to-work/2278408703/?icid=VIDLRVNWS04 reported that voters decided human beings should not work in Lagos.

=======================================================

Result:

No. 1 Lagos, Nigeria

Overall Grade: Very High Risk Location
Severe Problems: Infrastructure, Crime
Major Problems: Pollution, Disease & Sanitation, Medical Facilities, Availability of Goods and Services
Other Problems: Climate, Education Facilities, Physical Remoteness, Political Violence & Repression, Political & Social Environment, Culture & Recreation
LagosMet Problems: All these in our Lagos Naija alone?

======================================================

Where do I start from? Talking about expatriates (cos they obviously participated in the voting process), war-torn countries such as Sudan, Iraq, Columbia, Liberia e.t.c miraculously failed to produce a City to top this “overblown” report and places such as Gaza, Darfur e.t.c. are not as bad as Lagos. Interesting innit? Apapa, V.I., Ikoyi, Surulere, Ilupeju harbour lots of expatriates from Americans, Europeans to Asians, South Americans and Africans. Lebanese, Japanese, Indian and Chinese are known to be notorious employers but are still making it big in Lagos and we are yet to see a massive exodus of such people. Many of them have settled in Lagos, have their spiritual places of worship and even contribute to the society and local organizations. They have their Schools (Indian School, Ilupeju, American International School, British International School, The Chinese School… and so on) and even have their vegetable markets. Even when Kidnapping seems to be the order of the day, expatriates are rarely kidnapped in Lagos.

Vegetable Market

We already know our roads need massive repairs, and power supply is almost non-existent, but we have tried our best to accomodate foreigners; why the negative report? From Y-not to Eko Hotel, Kuramo to Galleria, our “night fighters” have kept them warm in the land of heat, some even got married and had kids by them. Mobil for example have a huge staff quarters on Ligali Ayorinde, right next to their HQ. Chevron already have a similar structure somewhere around 4th round about, with members of staff (foreigners) relaxing comfortably in their sofas while others have staff buses and the rest is all history. Lagos is relatively peaceful.

The voters certainly had something else against Lagos beyond this and this is no good news to rebrand Nigeria. I think it’s time to rebrand Lagos and let our expatriates know that the best way to move our Metro forward is not to go to AOL or ABC or Business Week to say “Hey Fellas, Lagos is your Bermudas Triangle!”. They have probably tasted our food, visited our Hotels, Strip-clubs, Night Clubs, Coliseums, and Malls, and Gallerias and our wines and champaignes but have handed us a bottle of Napalm in return. We all know many of the problems we have in Lagos, but please (Joor Oh!) it’s not so so bad.

Eko o ni baje!

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Brothers and Sisters,

If you didn't know now you do.

LAGOS, NIGERIA: I don’t know how you’ll react to this message or revelation or reminder or piece of crap but one thing is sure; you will agree with me that these things do happen a lot around us so much that I can be forgiven to use the word “rampant”. Okay, when I blog, i leave so many things aside, i don’t mince words, for the sake of young readers I try to use dotted lines so you can, with your durrry mind, fill in the gap. Let’s leave religious hypocrisy and pretence aside and face the truth no one likes to talk about… cos you are probably one of them.

Relationships in Lagos, like in any Metropolis are usually dirty. I mean verbally dirty, morally dirty, spiritually dirty, socially dirty, financially dirty and maybe (sorry almost always) physically durrrry! Now where do I start from? Hmmmm…  Distance relationships! Common, you know what I mean, people need someone to hug and to hold, someone to hang out with, on thursday nights and weekends, in short someone to lust! Did you get that? Someone to lolox! Did I hear you say cheating? Come with me and see mums, dads, bosses, colleagues, siblings, friends and even partners getting help. Are you trying to cope with stress and depression from unemployment or the monster recession and just need to ease off? Okay I see you grabbing your cellphone, don’t dial 911 just yet, help’s on the way…

Okay let’s get down right serious. You ask someone, “Hey, what you doing with that person?”, you get the answer:

Her boyfriend’s in another Taraba State, I’m just helping her.

His wife’s 6 months pregnant, I’m helping him. No strings attached.

His wife’s out of town and my boyfriend’s in NYSC camp, we are helping each other.

Her boyfriend won’t be visiting till next week and we are next door neighbours, what’s bad in helping each other?

She’s away in another school and her boyfriend is on a course in the UK, I’m just trying to be of help to them.

You should know by now what the word “help” means – this has nothing to do with recharge cards or money. It’s plain, straight-to-the-point, no stories, durrry quickie sex – nothing to lose! If you haven’t heard the words Sharp Sharp, Kia Kia, Pa Pa Pa, One Time… now you know they mean “In a giffy”. It’s confusing when an individual tries to “help” so many people at the same time. It’s even more confusing when the needy ones know they are being helped by the same superman or superwoman. It’s part of the fun in Lagos innit?

The surprising thing is the abnormal understanding noticed in this type of relationship. It is firstly a relationship with no future or chance of getting anywhere, a higher version of the one night stand. If there is any exchange of any material nature, it’s simply mutual and not part of the plan as this is no sex-for-money thingy. You help in kind, not cash. Another thing is how people have evolved into loving one person and keeping such for marriage and at the same time helping a host of others who eventually show up to cheer their helpmates up at their wedding. For all I care, help goes on well after marriage even when both parties are married. A friend once told me his helpmate’s boyfriend called while they were helping each other but he was on another level and just couldn’t stop, even when she picked up the phone and the helpless one at the other end (who probably has his helpmate there too) could hear sounds of “torturing” over the phone… what a great way to retire to bed!

I’m not asking you to start suspecting your partner. Helpers are everywhere; schools, churches, neighbourhood, workplaces, dating/social networking sites (naijapals, facebook, legwork)… just name it. Age is no barrier when everyone is a potential helper, don’t be deceived by looks. I won’t go around asking you to “resist the devil and he will flee from you”, nope, I just believe if you are old enough to read through this blog, you can either say YES or NO to helping or being helped. And if you must help or be helped, please protect yourself so that your helpless partner can find you in one piece but know that you may not be able to “free” your erotic mind from your helpmate even when your partner returns. This could lead to a life of guilt, fear of blackmail, absent-mindedness, and depression if care is not taken. Risks as usual include breakup (busting), unwanted pregnancy, unwanted marriage, STDs, murder, rape (at the point of no return), ritual killing, robbery and so many ugly things. Nothing is entirely hidden you know. As you render helpful services, remember that someone could be helping your “love” elsewhere too. If your partner doesn’t trust you then someone is likely going to dial 911.

Do you still need help? Do you still want to help someone? Say it now, or forever hold your peace!

Joor Oh! Mi o le help Iya Arugbo O! (Please, I can’t “help” a grannie!)

Enjoy your weekend.

X.

A hunter with only one arrow does not shoot on impulse. – Naija Proverb

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Fellow Lagosians,

I’m going to be raw, blunt and natural. Like fashion, many street slangs come and go while some stay on for decades.

A commercial van "danfo" inscribed with the words "Aropin"

. I’ll assume slangs such as “carry go”, “wetin you carry?”, “no dulling”, “one chance”, “let’s go there”, “gbogbo bigs girls” and “fokasibe” have replaced the meaningful ones we used to have on buses such as “The downfall of a man…”, “The young shall grow”, “Let my enemies live long…”, “Eda ma ro mi pin”, “Safe journey”, “If God be for me…” e.t.c.

Nowadays, the reigning style is Jenifa’s, effectively adding an “S” to almost every word e.g. “I loves that boys”, “Whats is your names?”, “Threes millions nairas…” and ultimately, “Gbogbo bigs boys”. Majority of the quick words originate from the root language of Lagos, Yoruba although the lingua franca in Lagos is Pidgin / pigeon / broken English.

That brings me to the latest (possibly disgusting) slang on the streets now. And it’s just two words “Jooo Oh!…” (please) then some creative, possibly obscene words. I’ll leave you with three examples after which you can manufacture more for yourself. It’s fun if you catch the joke.

1. Jooh oh!… mi o le fi indomie pokunso o (Please I can’t hang myself with noodle strands – of course no one can!)

2. Jooh oh!… mi o le fi alakan se kan kan o (Please I can’t use a live crab as bathing sponge – can you?)

3. Jooh oh!… mi o le fi toothpick se post o (Please, I can’t make a goal post out of toothpick)

And it goes on and on and on and on. I had to manufacture those dry ones cos it’s basically raw-er than this.

… but I won’t say, still, just keep your ears out of the window or take a trip in a Danfo and wait for the trigger – JOOO OH (pronounced Chor Hoe)!

Joor Oh! Mi o le fi ejo she tie o!
Mi o le kirun niwaju BRT o!
Mi o le gba canal de Canada o! (from Efundola)

See Rubminds.Com for more Joor oh slangs.

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Just before you dip your hands into your pocket to pay “that man”, think about it, is it worth it?

You better put your thing down flip it and reverse it…

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I have quite a lot in my head but really no time to pour them all down. Okay since tomorrow is a typical (hopefully won’t be a hectic) Monday, i’ll leave you with one of my favorite (poorly written yet well understood) Lagos journal of a company driver on a Monday.

Monday Diary of an Expired Company Driver (from Rubminds.com)

Typical Lagos setting, Oshodi to be precise

My best friend, Seiko is a bastard bad boy. He disturbs my sleep with his passion to feel the morning breeze. It’s 4:30 am and the world’s most invaluable machine wakes me up, the monster cereal devouring cockerels must be saving their crows up for December, you know, so it doesn’t count whether or not they crow now, in fact, they should save that in their thighs. I climb up to switch the idiot off and I always have to do that on weekdays because if I keep my friend within the reach of an arm’s stretch I will not only lose my job, my Landlord no go gree me rest.

I dash into the pit latrine/bathroom combo, throw the bucket of semi clean water up and dash out while the helpless water splashes behind me, and in the process, displacing some spyrogyra and blocking the green hole further, who cares. I slip into my overall, and push Ronke to the other side of the bed, she falls on the rug in the process. With her red eyes wide shut amidst pythonic hisses, i pick my naturally pressure ironed blue shirt and navy blue trouser and dump both of them in the big brown super garri sack. The rubber shoes need no Kiwi, it’s my bathroom shoe anyway. I take a shot form my magic bottle, wish myself goodluck and put God first (I already did na?). I leave 30 naira under the lantern, that’s a pack of 4 (must I tell you everything?).

I hit the streets, whistling silently yet praying to God, Allah, Buddha, Sango, Obatala, Ogun and any saviour that came to mind. Streets is millitary nowadays. I’m clutching hard on Nigeria’s longest serving 3310, the keypad is somewhere in the kitchen, thanks to the broom stick stylus. Nothing looks better than the original casing, no screen, just large cellotapes and the battery won’t fall off today, I got more rubber bands. Jokes apart I still have flashing credit, some big phones out there have no SIM some even have blocked SIMs, I have a good cause to be grateful to my creator.

I hear the sound of a bike and tap my boots, ready to take off. Which kin bike go waka around 5:00 a.m.? Sound kicks off and it’s my favorite Pasuma track, I immediately know it’s Sura, my inconsistent saviour. “Omo ele yen nko? (how’s that chic)” he asks as we speed off the streets, navigating through giant wells called pot holes. “You suppose marry that girl o, omo yen respect wa ju onidirabata yen lo” as he drops me at the bus stop. I wave at him as he speeds on the opposite way, the one-way traffic. Lagosians! I’m sure my kwara people learnt this animalistic lifestyle from here.

It’s 10 past 5 a.m and the garage is like there’s been no break since the opening ceremony. The stalls were empty but commuters everywhere again. Ha Kilode! “Fuel no dey”, i knew trouble was bound to happen this morning and I shouldn’t have left that 30 naira. “Oshodi, 150, ko si iya were, ma wole o”… (various warnings and threats but we all rush into the bus). This route has been set at 100 after the last strike and has been so ever since but to my surprise, everyone pays 150 naira. These office people sef, I stretch my 100 card to him. “Awa Share man (chairman) ni”, he grinned as he took the money from me. “Shiaman we no suppose collect money but na fuel cause am”. I gave a proud nod, no one cared to listen, some slept off some showed their “stolen” phones off, some put their earphones in their ears while I was left alone to look at myself, pondering do I actually looked like an “Agbero” or are these drivers JJC’s in the area?

I “drop” at Airport bus stop, cross to the other side (the pedestrian bridge would be more of a suicide than facing fast cars either way doing 140!). Shaibu, the funky mallam hands the keys to the Toyota Coaster to me as fast as he could while I speed off, picking average salary earners on the way. Arrogant lagosians, few bother to say good morning, I don’t blame them, rich people are never happy (sorry, hardly ever…) that way I knew the ones who greeted me where the lucky ones whom by stroke of chance passed the interviews yet would not let their newly found fountain of cash change their social life. Nkem was one of them. Nkemic I hailed her briefly. The stingy ones who refused to use their cars because the company had a lorry where the ones who accused me of showing up late, dem forget say condition na im make crayfish bend. It was quarter to 6 a.m now and I already knew the suicide routes.

If Maryland is free then I should hit Jibowu and dash on to the third mainland bridge to link up with Osbourne road. Cutting through Anthony to Oworo wouldn’t be wise now, and Apongbon, the road’s still under repairs, I slam the lorry through Ikorodu road and make a sharp U -turn after Jibowu, I would not climb Yaba bridge except on Thursdays when traders wouldn’t be in till 10a.m. due to sanitation.

As predicted, I join the bottleneck just before Adeniji, endure till I hit the Osbourne bridge, the breakthrough did not last for long, but I was prepared for that. I slice through the exit by the right and cut out to the left just before the turning that led to NNPC. I go on straight into the road and turn right again, “wa sere”, this should be the last lap, Falomo bridge and we are home, sweet home. The right side moves the fastest so I make a rough cut just before the bridge past the Assumption Church to the “round about” to join the “wise” ones who went through Awolowo way at this time of the morning. 6:25am already. Everyday was not going to be Christmas anyway. As I watch my colleagues on this side of the bridge move slowly towards the Island, I felt like running into this 1915 Camry which had broken down halfway into the bridge and right beside it, the annoyingly ever-overheating Benz Model, the baby benz 190E was overheating.

Trust my people, the same people who were saluting while I went through those shortcuts in order to ensure they resumed work early were the same set of people screaming “we want his head!”. Eventually, the Camry picks up but of course 5 minutes on Falomo bridge is equivalent to 15 minutes at the Law School. So the evil morning went brothers and sisters, the most beautiful yet old traffic warden stops my truck when I was hoping to be the last to pass. I hiss loudly she could have heard even through the A/C tight chicken factory I was driving, and when she finally allows me to go, I look at my rear view and the same Camry couldn’t move, I pity the guys behind him, I saw it coming so I forcefully overtook him at the bend before the halt.

The rest of the journey wasn’t really smooth but provided nothing to talk about save for the usual scenario of bankers looking up to Iya Basira to “do as usual” and fill the hungry plates up, then they return to the office, blasting English like they ate at TFC or Tantalizers. I know say una don chop, make me sef run go mama put go feed the worms for my belle. Forgive my Spanish pigeon English.

Have a nice day at work and remember, if you are negligent at work today, someone’s at the interview waiting to take it.

Osenobua! Na red eye we dey o.

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