Lagos Eyo Festival in Pictures, Tafawa Balewa Square TBS, Lagos Nigeria. April 25th, 2009.

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The art of beating the crunch with Kidnapping

Work from home or beat the Credit Crunch in Lagos?

Now the world is screaming disaster, recession, crunch, bla bla bla, but I did tell you earlier that some jobs won’t feel the crunch in a long time. I’m not talking about established sectors such as the Health, Teaching and food industry in general, I’m talking about self-made or skill-based jobs.

I’m looking at Lagos specifically, though without research to prove this, I just think some people won’t lose jobs but will instead get richer. They are:

1. Teaching: Hopefully they get their pay rise, they have really safer jobs as parents must indeed seek other means of providing the neck-breaking school fees even when they have no job. This includes primary, secondary, tertiary and private instructors (including ICT certifications, professional and foreign exams).

2. Oil Marketing: Of course, they’ve made the quickest money in the past and are not about giving up anytime soon and with government policies leaving us at their mercy, I think they’ve only just begun. God gave them strong hands and fingers to milk us hard till our “teats” turn red right before the very eyes of the Government… “God pass dem”

3. Transportation: Okay Fashola’s reforms aren’t probably favoring owners of Okada, Danfo, Molue and Keke Napep but things are still very okay for people in this sector. The cost of a low quality crash helmet is somewhere around 1,800 naira but even with fuel prices reduced to 65 naira, trust Lagos, prices of things NEVER go down even if world prices crash to an all time low, they’d rather reach for the Everest in Lagos.

4. Health: be it some herbal guy, a “Chemist” or some certified group of peeps, someone somewhere somehow must make that money cos “health is wealth”. People MUST take care of their bodies or die prematurely. Accidents are inevitable and to the advantage of Nurse, Doctors and health workers generally, the crunch means little. Gynae’s still make bucks, and Surgeons (Cosmetic? well they make bursts of bucks occasionally) too but no matter how crunchy the recession is, people must have sex and that’s why sex products sell the most. You know what I’m talking? Dildos, tightening creams, enlargement formulas, horse power mixtures, spanish flies, pheromones, just name it (you know the red light districts dontcha! – Allen Avenue and Co)! Lest I forget, General Hospital, Lagos pays Doctors on House Job around 77,000 naira a month. Luth pays well over 110,000 naira. Doctors, una get mouth! I think Death has to come in here as well. People still spend a lot on burial ceremonies and mortuaries are still filled up cos like births, deaths are natural. Coffin makers, vault sellers, corpse transporters and private mortuaries, cemetaries and organizers are making their bucks, as usual.

5. Real Estate and HR Consulting: I grouped these together they are hot like fire! People are constantly moving, changing locations due to change in status, security and safety, flood, road network, family expansion, income dictates, e.t.c. and as usual Agents are constantly inflating agreement fees and lease prices are at an all time high in all locations within (and beyond) Lagos. Some fear this sector will crash after the stock disaster but I sincerely doubt this. Lagos Land laws adhere to the 100-year general long lease status of the C-of-O (Certificate of Ownership) but people want this to be lower to help cut down on the skyrocketing costs of acquiring landed property. HR Consulting is also helping companies select specific “good-to-go” job seekers requiring less training and ready to fit into the system. As usual they are getting in some cases up to 40% of the employee’s salary as agreed between the recruiting agency and the employer. You get the picture? Ain’t that crunchy?

6. Law. Hmmmm, often depicted as poor, tattered and unfortunate, some wise lawyers are still in business and are not going down any time soon. Criminal law is really dangerous as it involves politics but the ones really making huge money especially during this recession are those working on real estate projects. More profitable innit? Choose wisely!

7. Kidnapping: I hate to include this in the list but you’ll be amazed at the surging rate of kidnapping in the state (it’s really a kind of work-from-home sham). We just have to face it, it’s fast becoming a full-time job for job seekers who are scared to rob a bank. People go into churches, creches, schools, eateries, parks, malls and pick at random (or sometimes based on insider tip) a child or sometimes an adult (a wife, son, husband, daughter or even grannies) and demand millions of naira from the breadwinner (make no mistake…, this is rather common in the Niger Delta region where expatriates fall victim to hefty demands). They threaten brimstone and fire including killing the hostage but eventually negotiate a much lower price (usually inside 3 days) without the involvement of the police. Armed robbery is somewhere more dangerous than this though and is kinda like work-from-home too and is a predominant occurence in some parts of Lagos ranging from armed pick-pockets to phone snatchers, burglars and car snatchers! Sadly, many such cases are not reported to the police, or the media until victims experience a relapse. I hope we have strict laws in place addressing this aspect?

http://www.vanguardngr.com/content/view/25023/122/

8. Advertising: my, my, my, you expect to survive the credit crunch right? You need to push your brand into the market, make sales and take advantage of tilts in the battle ground. SO&U, CMC Connect, Rosaab and Vigeo are some of the top players. This helps the broadcasting media as radio, TV, print (including printers), internet e.t.c.

9. Webmasters/Developers: Yes! I’m not talking about bloggers or template-based (DIY) “consumers”, I mean people who build custom web based apps, sites, databases and communities. Undergraduates are likely to develop in this regard to bolster their chances of surviving after school as this skill-set is bound to increase in demand in coming years regardless of the credit Punch. If you are getting worried about job security, start going something web-wards, and you’ll be the one pitying your employer. LoL. Sounds funny but it’s the truth. There are many ideas out there, go see for yourself and don’t expect me to spoon-feed you all the time.

10. Lag Nollywood: Of course no matter how daft, movies still sell, if not, we wont keep having 10,000 home videos released per month. Artistes releasing albums or singles stand a much greater risk if they neither appeal to the market nor get radio and TV DJ’s (disk jockeys) to help give a push. To find yourself in the ranks of Jenifa or Yinka Ayefele requires sheer quality, hard work and perseverance but it is the producers/managers who go home with the bulk. Sign a promising artiste and you are sure to make your money someday. Timaya, I hail o!

11. Comedy/MCing: You won’t believe how much these guys rake in per week, and prices are ever going up. A comedian has a PS/3 or an X-box and plays this all week long. He has a manager (sometimes a dubious one who tells you his client is booked but if you pay double he can cancel the other appointment) who charge between 150,000 naira and 1 million naira for 2 hours! Basket Mouth, AY, abi i lie? It’s not that easy though, considering these guys have come a long way, but unlike Musicians, you are not allowed to repeat jokes as they quickly become dry. Tuface can sing African Queen from show to show but they must improvise otherwise, people won’t laugh, yet this is one of the most lucrative jobs in the Metropolis – not affected by the PUNCH!

12. Food/Fast Food: do people have a choice, they just have to eat. People are really cost conscious so it boils down to who provides the best meal, service at the lowest price. I’m not advertising but we already know who are taking their customers serious and who aren’t. As for food stuffs and Iya Basira’s I don’t think they have a problem with the recession anyway cos people just have to eat!

13. Private Security: People really don’t wanna die even in these hard times, people still eat, watch their health and want to be safe from the “owners”. Private security outfits are smiling to the bank, like HR Consultants.

Have to stop here, cos it’s well past my bedtime and I’m off to work in the morning (I love my job!). I’ll rate the “professions” tomorrow from first to last. I told you already, I’m a router with a tickling time bomb. Happy new week, and if you are on leave, wow, I envy you cos the rains have returned but please make money while you aren’t at work. It’s important.

The following links lend credence to this argument and can help you further in this regard.

http://education.yahoo.net/degrees/articles/featured_careers_that_can_fight_recession.html

http://education.yahoo.net/degrees/articles/featured_seven_surprising_stay_home_salaries.html

Victimization report by Cleen Foundation: http://www.cleen.org/LAGOS%20CRIME%20SURVEY.pdf

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I have quite a lot in my head but really no time to pour them all down. Okay since tomorrow is a typical (hopefully won’t be a hectic) Monday, i’ll leave you with one of my favorite (poorly written yet well understood) Lagos journal of a company driver on a Monday.

Monday Diary of an Expired Company Driver (from Rubminds.com)

Typical Lagos setting, Oshodi to be precise

My best friend, Seiko is a bastard bad boy. He disturbs my sleep with his passion to feel the morning breeze. It’s 4:30 am and the world’s most invaluable machine wakes me up, the monster cereal devouring cockerels must be saving their crows up for December, you know, so it doesn’t count whether or not they crow now, in fact, they should save that in their thighs. I climb up to switch the idiot off and I always have to do that on weekdays because if I keep my friend within the reach of an arm’s stretch I will not only lose my job, my Landlord no go gree me rest.

I dash into the pit latrine/bathroom combo, throw the bucket of semi clean water up and dash out while the helpless water splashes behind me, and in the process, displacing some spyrogyra and blocking the green hole further, who cares. I slip into my overall, and push Ronke to the other side of the bed, she falls on the rug in the process. With her red eyes wide shut amidst pythonic hisses, i pick my naturally pressure ironed blue shirt and navy blue trouser and dump both of them in the big brown super garri sack. The rubber shoes need no Kiwi, it’s my bathroom shoe anyway. I take a shot form my magic bottle, wish myself goodluck and put God first (I already did na?). I leave 30 naira under the lantern, that’s a pack of 4 (must I tell you everything?).

I hit the streets, whistling silently yet praying to God, Allah, Buddha, Sango, Obatala, Ogun and any saviour that came to mind. Streets is millitary nowadays. I’m clutching hard on Nigeria’s longest serving 3310, the keypad is somewhere in the kitchen, thanks to the broom stick stylus. Nothing looks better than the original casing, no screen, just large cellotapes and the battery won’t fall off today, I got more rubber bands. Jokes apart I still have flashing credit, some big phones out there have no SIM some even have blocked SIMs, I have a good cause to be grateful to my creator.

I hear the sound of a bike and tap my boots, ready to take off. Which kin bike go waka around 5:00 a.m.? Sound kicks off and it’s my favorite Pasuma track, I immediately know it’s Sura, my inconsistent saviour. “Omo ele yen nko? (how’s that chic)” he asks as we speed off the streets, navigating through giant wells called pot holes. “You suppose marry that girl o, omo yen respect wa ju onidirabata yen lo” as he drops me at the bus stop. I wave at him as he speeds on the opposite way, the one-way traffic. Lagosians! I’m sure my kwara people learnt this animalistic lifestyle from here.

It’s 10 past 5 a.m and the garage is like there’s been no break since the opening ceremony. The stalls were empty but commuters everywhere again. Ha Kilode! “Fuel no dey”, i knew trouble was bound to happen this morning and I shouldn’t have left that 30 naira. “Oshodi, 150, ko si iya were, ma wole o”… (various warnings and threats but we all rush into the bus). This route has been set at 100 after the last strike and has been so ever since but to my surprise, everyone pays 150 naira. These office people sef, I stretch my 100 card to him. “Awa Share man (chairman) ni”, he grinned as he took the money from me. “Shiaman we no suppose collect money but na fuel cause am”. I gave a proud nod, no one cared to listen, some slept off some showed their “stolen” phones off, some put their earphones in their ears while I was left alone to look at myself, pondering do I actually looked like an “Agbero” or are these drivers JJC’s in the area?

I “drop” at Airport bus stop, cross to the other side (the pedestrian bridge would be more of a suicide than facing fast cars either way doing 140!). Shaibu, the funky mallam hands the keys to the Toyota Coaster to me as fast as he could while I speed off, picking average salary earners on the way. Arrogant lagosians, few bother to say good morning, I don’t blame them, rich people are never happy (sorry, hardly ever…) that way I knew the ones who greeted me where the lucky ones whom by stroke of chance passed the interviews yet would not let their newly found fountain of cash change their social life. Nkem was one of them. Nkemic I hailed her briefly. The stingy ones who refused to use their cars because the company had a lorry where the ones who accused me of showing up late, dem forget say condition na im make crayfish bend. It was quarter to 6 a.m now and I already knew the suicide routes.

If Maryland is free then I should hit Jibowu and dash on to the third mainland bridge to link up with Osbourne road. Cutting through Anthony to Oworo wouldn’t be wise now, and Apongbon, the road’s still under repairs, I slam the lorry through Ikorodu road and make a sharp U -turn after Jibowu, I would not climb Yaba bridge except on Thursdays when traders wouldn’t be in till 10a.m. due to sanitation.

As predicted, I join the bottleneck just before Adeniji, endure till I hit the Osbourne bridge, the breakthrough did not last for long, but I was prepared for that. I slice through the exit by the right and cut out to the left just before the turning that led to NNPC. I go on straight into the road and turn right again, “wa sere”, this should be the last lap, Falomo bridge and we are home, sweet home. The right side moves the fastest so I make a rough cut just before the bridge past the Assumption Church to the “round about” to join the “wise” ones who went through Awolowo way at this time of the morning. 6:25am already. Everyday was not going to be Christmas anyway. As I watch my colleagues on this side of the bridge move slowly towards the Island, I felt like running into this 1915 Camry which had broken down halfway into the bridge and right beside it, the annoyingly ever-overheating Benz Model, the baby benz 190E was overheating.

Trust my people, the same people who were saluting while I went through those shortcuts in order to ensure they resumed work early were the same set of people screaming “we want his head!”. Eventually, the Camry picks up but of course 5 minutes on Falomo bridge is equivalent to 15 minutes at the Law School. So the evil morning went brothers and sisters, the most beautiful yet old traffic warden stops my truck when I was hoping to be the last to pass. I hiss loudly she could have heard even through the A/C tight chicken factory I was driving, and when she finally allows me to go, I look at my rear view and the same Camry couldn’t move, I pity the guys behind him, I saw it coming so I forcefully overtook him at the bend before the halt.

The rest of the journey wasn’t really smooth but provided nothing to talk about save for the usual scenario of bankers looking up to Iya Basira to “do as usual” and fill the hungry plates up, then they return to the office, blasting English like they ate at TFC or Tantalizers. I know say una don chop, make me sef run go mama put go feed the worms for my belle. Forgive my Spanish pigeon English.

Have a nice day at work and remember, if you are negligent at work today, someone’s at the interview waiting to take it.

Osenobua! Na red eye we dey o.

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… put your ring fingers up.

Call me Sasha Fierce

It’s kinda like a Lagos anthem now. If you’ve been going out with your guy for more than two years then I can bet you are probably consciously/unconsciously singing this song every minute. Not like Beyonce got a ring (the video didn’t reflect the lyrics) but the message is loud and clear.

“If you like it BETTER put a ring on it”

Can an average Lagosian put food the size of a ring in his mouth let alone a metal in a babe’s finger? Okay do babes mind, we have plastic/rubber rings too. LoL. Obviously she’s talking marriage really, not engagement and not just a ring. If I understand the last part, she says get serious with me, quit playing around and be responsible. I’m not a Beyonce fan but I do not like the way people go about saying the song is crap.

“Pull me into your arms
Say I’m the one you want
If you don’t, you’ll be alone
And like a ghost I’ll be gone?”

In if i were a boy, the message is clearer. Treat ladies with respect or lose them, only that it just doesnt work that way in this part of the world. Some ladies are stuck due to peer pressure, lack of cash, trips, suitors or common sense! How else do you explain 21st Century Polygamy?

“But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand (Yeah you don’t understand)
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed”

My advice to single ladies: please work hard and don’t depend on no man. People like Ne-yo do not hide their love for a woman who can live (not just survive) on her own and the truth is the relationship is more open (should I just say balanced) when neither depends on the other, materially?

Video Links

Put a ring on it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mVEGfH4s5g&feature=related

If i were a boy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVTyLqkez6A&feature=channel_page

Spoof version (don’t put a ring on it) : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kF1VgQh_3nQ&feature=related

Enjoy your Thursday,

1.X

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