Fellow Lagosians,

I’m going to be raw, blunt and natural. Like fashion, many street slangs come and go while some stay on for decades.

A commercial van "danfo" inscribed with the words "Aropin"

. I’ll assume slangs such as “carry go”, “wetin you carry?”, “no dulling”, “one chance”, “let’s go there”, “gbogbo bigs girls” and “fokasibe” have replaced the meaningful ones we used to have on buses such as “The downfall of a man…”, “The young shall grow”, “Let my enemies live long…”, “Eda ma ro mi pin”, “Safe journey”, “If God be for me…” e.t.c.

Nowadays, the reigning style is Jenifa’s, effectively adding an “S” to almost every word e.g. “I loves that boys”, “Whats is your names?”, “Threes millions nairas…” and ultimately, “Gbogbo bigs boys”. Majority of the quick words originate from the root language of Lagos, Yoruba although the lingua franca in Lagos is Pidgin / pigeon / broken English.

That brings me to the latest (possibly disgusting) slang on the streets now. And it’s just two words “Jooo Oh!…” (please) then some creative, possibly obscene words. I’ll leave you with three examples after which you can manufacture more for yourself. It’s fun if you catch the joke.

1. Jooh oh!… mi o le fi indomie pokunso o (Please I can’t hang myself with noodle strands – of course no one can!)

2. Jooh oh!… mi o le fi alakan se kan kan o (Please I can’t use a live crab as bathing sponge – can you?)

3. Jooh oh!… mi o le fi toothpick se post o (Please, I can’t make a goal post out of toothpick)

And it goes on and on and on and on. I had to manufacture those dry ones cos it’s basically raw-er than this.

… but I won’t say, still, just keep your ears out of the window or take a trip in a Danfo and wait for the trigger – JOOO OH (pronounced Chor Hoe)!

Joor Oh! Mi o le fi ejo she tie o!
Mi o le kirun niwaju BRT o!
Mi o le gba canal de Canada o! (from Efundola)

See Rubminds.Com for more Joor oh slangs.

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Fellow Lagosians,

Lagos Teachers make or break?

It is with a heavy heart that I write this piece. My hands are shaking and numb but write I must. As Kwara celebrated the strike suspension (http://allafrica.com/stories/200903060223.html) on Thursday, 5th of March 2009, National Union of Teachers NUT, Ilupeju, Lagos were engaged in showdown talks with Lagos only to finalise on Friday that teachers would have to resume work and the impromptu holiday had to come to an end (http://www.234next.com/csp/cms/sites/Next/Home/5390974-146/Lagos_teachers_call_off_strike_.csp). Kwara got what they asked for and negotiation with the Government was fruitful, but in Lagos, Africa’s “most populous” city, the teachers were threatened.

Not a death threat though, not blackmail for treason, nope. Now listen to the diplomatic, political threat:

“In order to give you what you have demanded from us, we MUST downsize and sack many of you!”

Osenobua! The statement, just a sentence can be translated into different versions, King James Version inclusive. Elizabethan would look somehow like:

“Thou shalt surely lose thy source of livelihood if it pleaseth thee in thine heart that thy neighbour shalt add more to his herd!”

and Hebrew, and NIV, and CEV, and Arabic… No matter which version, the point is clearer in the hip hop version:

“We just have to rob Peter to pay Paul so we can give Paul’s money to Caesar!”.

The teachers only asked for a 27.5% increase in the face of inflation, credit crunch and devaluation of our currency, the naira, and have now been forced not to call off but to “suspend” the strike and return to work. The students are bound to suffer some setback anyway.

Now my take on this. I think the NUT should allow the Government sack as many teachers as they can. I’ve been to public schools, teachers are just not enough. The government will be forced to employ more teachers with time as it becomes very obvious that the current number of teachers are not enough to help the ever growing influx of pupils into public schools. Also, people are bound to retire yearly, thereby freeing up more employment slots.

If teachers continue to teach without their hearts in their craft, we are bound to produce the worst generation of students ever, and that won’t be nice for the streets. The ones who will eventually suffer for this historic, cruel act will be you and me who ply the streets of Lagos everyday.

Ps: Dollar – Naira, Black market/ Street price at $1 to 190 naira.

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The art of beating the crunch with Kidnapping

Work from home or beat the Credit Crunch in Lagos?

Now the world is screaming disaster, recession, crunch, bla bla bla, but I did tell you earlier that some jobs won’t feel the crunch in a long time. I’m not talking about established sectors such as the Health, Teaching and food industry in general, I’m talking about self-made or skill-based jobs.

I’m looking at Lagos specifically, though without research to prove this, I just think some people won’t lose jobs but will instead get richer. They are:

1. Teaching: Hopefully they get their pay rise, they have really safer jobs as parents must indeed seek other means of providing the neck-breaking school fees even when they have no job. This includes primary, secondary, tertiary and private instructors (including ICT certifications, professional and foreign exams).

2. Oil Marketing: Of course, they’ve made the quickest money in the past and are not about giving up anytime soon and with government policies leaving us at their mercy, I think they’ve only just begun. God gave them strong hands and fingers to milk us hard till our “teats” turn red right before the very eyes of the Government… “God pass dem”

3. Transportation: Okay Fashola’s reforms aren’t probably favoring owners of Okada, Danfo, Molue and Keke Napep but things are still very okay for people in this sector. The cost of a low quality crash helmet is somewhere around 1,800 naira but even with fuel prices reduced to 65 naira, trust Lagos, prices of things NEVER go down even if world prices crash to an all time low, they’d rather reach for the Everest in Lagos.

4. Health: be it some herbal guy, a “Chemist” or some certified group of peeps, someone somewhere somehow must make that money cos “health is wealth”. People MUST take care of their bodies or die prematurely. Accidents are inevitable and to the advantage of Nurse, Doctors and health workers generally, the crunch means little. Gynae’s still make bucks, and Surgeons (Cosmetic? well they make bursts of bucks occasionally) too but no matter how crunchy the recession is, people must have sex and that’s why sex products sell the most. You know what I’m talking? Dildos, tightening creams, enlargement formulas, horse power mixtures, spanish flies, pheromones, just name it (you know the red light districts dontcha! – Allen Avenue and Co)! Lest I forget, General Hospital, Lagos pays Doctors on House Job around 77,000 naira a month. Luth pays well over 110,000 naira. Doctors, una get mouth! I think Death has to come in here as well. People still spend a lot on burial ceremonies and mortuaries are still filled up cos like births, deaths are natural. Coffin makers, vault sellers, corpse transporters and private mortuaries, cemetaries and organizers are making their bucks, as usual.

5. Real Estate and HR Consulting: I grouped these together they are hot like fire! People are constantly moving, changing locations due to change in status, security and safety, flood, road network, family expansion, income dictates, e.t.c. and as usual Agents are constantly inflating agreement fees and lease prices are at an all time high in all locations within (and beyond) Lagos. Some fear this sector will crash after the stock disaster but I sincerely doubt this. Lagos Land laws adhere to the 100-year general long lease status of the C-of-O (Certificate of Ownership) but people want this to be lower to help cut down on the skyrocketing costs of acquiring landed property. HR Consulting is also helping companies select specific “good-to-go” job seekers requiring less training and ready to fit into the system. As usual they are getting in some cases up to 40% of the employee’s salary as agreed between the recruiting agency and the employer. You get the picture? Ain’t that crunchy?

6. Law. Hmmmm, often depicted as poor, tattered and unfortunate, some wise lawyers are still in business and are not going down any time soon. Criminal law is really dangerous as it involves politics but the ones really making huge money especially during this recession are those working on real estate projects. More profitable innit? Choose wisely!

7. Kidnapping: I hate to include this in the list but you’ll be amazed at the surging rate of kidnapping in the state (it’s really a kind of work-from-home sham). We just have to face it, it’s fast becoming a full-time job for job seekers who are scared to rob a bank. People go into churches, creches, schools, eateries, parks, malls and pick at random (or sometimes based on insider tip) a child or sometimes an adult (a wife, son, husband, daughter or even grannies) and demand millions of naira from the breadwinner (make no mistake…, this is rather common in the Niger Delta region where expatriates fall victim to hefty demands). They threaten brimstone and fire including killing the hostage but eventually negotiate a much lower price (usually inside 3 days) without the involvement of the police. Armed robbery is somewhere more dangerous than this though and is kinda like work-from-home too and is a predominant occurence in some parts of Lagos ranging from armed pick-pockets to phone snatchers, burglars and car snatchers! Sadly, many such cases are not reported to the police, or the media until victims experience a relapse. I hope we have strict laws in place addressing this aspect?

http://www.vanguardngr.com/content/view/25023/122/

8. Advertising: my, my, my, you expect to survive the credit crunch right? You need to push your brand into the market, make sales and take advantage of tilts in the battle ground. SO&U, CMC Connect, Rosaab and Vigeo are some of the top players. This helps the broadcasting media as radio, TV, print (including printers), internet e.t.c.

9. Webmasters/Developers: Yes! I’m not talking about bloggers or template-based (DIY) “consumers”, I mean people who build custom web based apps, sites, databases and communities. Undergraduates are likely to develop in this regard to bolster their chances of surviving after school as this skill-set is bound to increase in demand in coming years regardless of the credit Punch. If you are getting worried about job security, start going something web-wards, and you’ll be the one pitying your employer. LoL. Sounds funny but it’s the truth. There are many ideas out there, go see for yourself and don’t expect me to spoon-feed you all the time.

10. Lag Nollywood: Of course no matter how daft, movies still sell, if not, we wont keep having 10,000 home videos released per month. Artistes releasing albums or singles stand a much greater risk if they neither appeal to the market nor get radio and TV DJ’s (disk jockeys) to help give a push. To find yourself in the ranks of Jenifa or Yinka Ayefele requires sheer quality, hard work and perseverance but it is the producers/managers who go home with the bulk. Sign a promising artiste and you are sure to make your money someday. Timaya, I hail o!

11. Comedy/MCing: You won’t believe how much these guys rake in per week, and prices are ever going up. A comedian has a PS/3 or an X-box and plays this all week long. He has a manager (sometimes a dubious one who tells you his client is booked but if you pay double he can cancel the other appointment) who charge between 150,000 naira and 1 million naira for 2 hours! Basket Mouth, AY, abi i lie? It’s not that easy though, considering these guys have come a long way, but unlike Musicians, you are not allowed to repeat jokes as they quickly become dry. Tuface can sing African Queen from show to show but they must improvise otherwise, people won’t laugh, yet this is one of the most lucrative jobs in the Metropolis – not affected by the PUNCH!

12. Food/Fast Food: do people have a choice, they just have to eat. People are really cost conscious so it boils down to who provides the best meal, service at the lowest price. I’m not advertising but we already know who are taking their customers serious and who aren’t. As for food stuffs and Iya Basira’s I don’t think they have a problem with the recession anyway cos people just have to eat!

13. Private Security: People really don’t wanna die even in these hard times, people still eat, watch their health and want to be safe from the “owners”. Private security outfits are smiling to the bank, like HR Consultants.

Have to stop here, cos it’s well past my bedtime and I’m off to work in the morning (I love my job!). I’ll rate the “professions” tomorrow from first to last. I told you already, I’m a router with a tickling time bomb. Happy new week, and if you are on leave, wow, I envy you cos the rains have returned but please make money while you aren’t at work. It’s important.

The following links lend credence to this argument and can help you further in this regard.

http://education.yahoo.net/degrees/articles/featured_careers_that_can_fight_recession.html

http://education.yahoo.net/degrees/articles/featured_seven_surprising_stay_home_salaries.html

Victimization report by Cleen Foundation: http://www.cleen.org/LAGOS%20CRIME%20SURVEY.pdf

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Are you looking for job? Are you sure you can weather the storm? Can you sell ice in Iceland? Are you sure you really need a job? Are you that hungry? Have you contemplated returning to the village or committing suicide? Do you still pay your tithe/offering? Are you tired of living in this country?

Brothers and sisters, the three eyed monster is staring at you right in the face at the moment. This Credit Crunch period is staring at everyone in the face and people wake up every morning not sure of the kind of drama set to unfold in the office today. Good morning is now just “morning” and goodbye is now let’s see what happens tomorrow. Are people now living in fear? Or is the world finally coming to an end? Many are fast seeing Obama and his mission of Hope as the much expected Anti-Christ and the world has never found itself in such a dire need for a saviour than now. Everyone wants to put this period behind them, but how?

There are two sides of the story, people suffering and people living large. You should know that someone stands to gain something from this or better still, some people put us in this tight situation… and like the one who invented HIV, may no longer be cool with this gameplan. Is it backfiring like a two edged sword and a boomerang?

Throughout 2008, Nigeria watched as the whole world screamed out in pain of the crunch but towards the end of the year, the country began feeling the impact. Last year was the mortgage year from cars to electronics, real estate and education but nowadays more and more people are becoming reluctant to taking loans. People are losing jobs and “current” salary accounts meant to stand as sureties either in form of post-dated cheques or direct debit are no longer sure. A top bank recently ordered all banks to “secretly” submit the names of 5 individuals (per branch) to be laid off in order to cut the wage bill. Besides security, luxury projects such as beautification, IP Telephony, Contact Centres, Equipment upgrade e.t.c. are being put on hold by most companies. It is only a matter of time before Nigerian companies will begin to file for bankruptcy (Like Telecom OEM, Nortel Canada did). And if you are thinking of taking a loan right now, you better watch out. Those who took loans at 17% (for 36 months) have been notified to start paying 24% as from the month of March e.g. First Bank. Stanbic IBTC are claiming 22% but the fact remains that interest rates have skyrocketed and banks are trying hard to cut losses. Watch out for quarterly reports.

I have to run now, I would say if we get out of this situation soon then many “wise” ones are likely to be rich for a very long time. Now is the time to start investing in things that will likely appreciate after this era. Credit crunch sounds like something to munch but it isn’t that crunchy. The only job vacancy right now is you thinking with your head and educating yourself in the direction of the crunch, lest you find yourself crumbling at the monster’s feet at turbo speed, albeit unplanned.

Peace.

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Teacher’s Strike

Staff campaign for pay rise

This week, I was shocked to hear that school teachers had gone on strike. Actually, traffic was kind of lighter than usual, this I mistakenly attributed to the on-going UEFA Champions league matches knowing fully well that Arsenal, Man-U and Chelsea (and some Liverpool) fans would like to watch the games live even if it meant staying back in the office or at home (call-in-sick). This Day made it clear (http://www.thisdayonline.com/nview.php?id=136699) how pupils will be affected negatively by this development, final year pupils especially. I really don’t know why teachers so poorly paid have to fight tooth and nail to get an increase in the face of searing inflation, devaluation of the Naira (The naira was 117 naira to a dollar as at 28th of November) at 165 naira to a dollar. The lowly paid ones feel the ripple effect the most ranging from food stuff, house rent, health, transportation and clothing.

Credit Crunch

February was fast! If you are still paying up debts you “amassed” during the month of December, you can pay up this March as 30 days should make one more pay. But if you fell a victim during vals, with Easter likely to be on the way, don’t dip your hands into your pocket just yet. Okay if the teachers are complaining bitterly and even going on strike, they have every right to. People in the private sector dare not try that. The global credit disaster has left a lot of people unemployed as companies keep downsizing. At present, most companies instead of recruiting are relieving employees of their jobs and overworking the surviving ones. It’s a matter of holding on to your job. It was predicted that Nigeria would not be affected by the Credit Crunch but whoever published that probably forgot that at least 4 billion dollars is pumped into the Nigerian Economy by Nigerians in Diaspora. Already, many are returning from the UK to seek a better life in Lagos. Companies are reviewing budgets and are very reluctant to sign P.O.’s as the traffic indicators stand still on “RED”. Oceanic Bank for example did not retain a single Corper among the resently unleashed Batch A NYSC members. A very rare occurence in banks nowadays. GTB also sacked some members of staff for not showing up at the last annual retreat. The fact is most companies are seriously looking for ways to downsize, free up the wage bill and reduce operating expenses as much as possible. Will things get better soon? Do you expect a yes? Then keep tab on what’s happening to America and Obama’s mission of “Hope”. The obvious fact is that the credit crunch is affecting Nigeria regardless of what we initially thought. The earlier we address the issue the better. Address in the sense that we, as individuals, need to find alternatives and to battle hard to survive these times. It is purely coincidental that our Governor is trying to keep Lagos clean at the moment, thereby relieving people of their “jobs”. Coupled with the c.c., well, I just hope it won’t be long before everyone walks on the street carrying three things:

1. Audacity of Hope by Barrack Obama
2. The Holy Bible/Qu’ran
3. Revolver or Knife

Fuel Pump Price Hike

Okay, the FG has been subsdising the cost of fuel before I was born but really, I do not understand how after almost 50 years of independence we cannot refine enough crude oil for use or export and now we will be left at the mercy of “independent” marketers (IMs). Hmmm. Interesting. They’ve promised that prices are likely to be low (even without subsidy) since our IMs are not greedy milk-them-quick people. To have this coming in at this time of the GCC (Global Credit Crunch), I think it’s a welcome decision and hopefully that should boost the value of the Naira (Mr CBN won’t it?). It’s for our own good anyway, that’s what “they” said and I can only hope…

Click here to compare the price of petrol/gasoline in other parts of the world: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gasoline_usage_and_pricing

Flood

Okay the rains are here again. And with on-going road reconstruction, it remains to be seen if this is one department where the Governor will score the least. Drainage has been a huge problem in the past, contributing to gridlocks (heaviest traffic), robbery, loss of homes and breakdown of vehicle not to mention, lateness to work. If Lagos can keep the floods away for once then we should have a pleasant March to August. Unfortunately, I don’t see us living this “good life” until sometime next year!

Buy Garri

Before I say bye – bye, I should remind you that the global credit crunch will not affect 4 things: Food, clothing, housing and Internet. If you are in any of these businesses, you should continue to live large. Obviously, music, movies, advertising, religion and education will continue to thrive. If you are thinking of investing heavily in electronics or automobiles, I think this is not a good time. Invest wisely and remember that the GCC is also affecting 419ers (visit www.419eater.com), don’t fall mugu to Land/Property/Mowe-Ibafo scams.

Happy New month!

I leave you with a video from Hon. Lekan Kamson… A must see.

Links: www.lagoscityphotos.blogspot.com

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