Happy New Year all,

It is my helpless displeasure to announce to you that you may be asked to ’strip naked’ to US Airport officials as from today. They may even request to shave your… erm… erm hair, so do yourself a big favour by shaving “that” before travelling. Wash your panties, dirty boxers and your bra, you may be asked to strip on a long queue (you know we Nigerians sabi travel). Don’t wear a Ralph suit and Oshodi boxers, same goes for stockings (socks). If you sweat a lot, please get some good quality cotton singlet. The search is “extensive” they say, so expect to spend at least 60 minutes upon arrival. Book the Taxi cab/ Appointment accordingly. The sky is our limit, we are constantly re-branding Nigeria. Although corruption has reduced (that’s what they said) we have moved up in other departments. Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab’s suicide bombing issue, barring.

In Yahoo News, the words were politically, diplomatically and wisely selected but they mean “plenty”, see:

“Beginning Monday, air travelers flying into the United States from Saudi Arabia, Nigeria, Yemen and other “countries of interest” will be subjected to enhanced screening techniques, such as body scans, pat-downs and a thorough search of carry-on luggage. Passengers are subjected to special screening, including full body searches, in a designated area of the departure lounge, said the spokesman, Sultan Hasan.

My major concern is that I have a phobia for scanning machines. I know that frequent subjection to scanning rays could be detrimental to the human health on the long run. I have said time and before that I would someday consider changing Nationality and if tomorrow I claim to be Togolese, please don’t blame me, I’d rather be Ghanian than face this humiliation and phobia come true. Someone once said “There is NO single benefit of being a Nigerian” and I say to you today. There is at least one. No fuel, no jobs, no food, no water, no money, no reputation, no this, no that, but there is TIME (don’t hiss, every country has 24 hours and whatever you do with YOUR 24 hours…)! Dora, hope I made sense?

What a “perfect” way to start the new year!

Sources: http://rubminds.com/forums/world-news/nigerian-terrorist/

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_airline_security

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SHOCKING REVELATION: Sanusi may not be acting in our interest after all. Chances are that he and Waziri of the EFCC are only protecting northern interest and are being used as tools to carry out the northern agenda since Soludo removed the Arabic language from the Naira. Please read on:

Vanguard on 23 March 2009, did a world exclusive on alleged plot by a group of individuals to take over five banks in the country.

Two weeks ago, the new Central Bank of Nigeria Governor, Mallam Sanusi Lamido Sanusi sacked the chief executives and boards of five banks, therefore confirming our scoop of March 23.

The story:ANTI-CONSOLIDATION forces have regrouped with the hope of dismantling the structures and forcing a takeover of the top five banks in the country, Vanguard can now reveal. The grand plan by the group is to cause panic and uncertainty in the industry and make the target banks look unsafe for depositors

Meantime, indications emerged yesterday that the Federal Government may announce the names of a new Governor of the Central Bank (CBN) and the Auditor-General of the Federation (AGF) in April just a few weeks before the tenure of the incumbents run out.

However, the Arewa Consultative Forum (ACF) has expressed concern over what it described as the rapidly deteriorating liquidity situation in the banking industry and tasked the Central Bank (CBN) to make public information on causes of the development as well as the scale of the crisis.

Vanguard investigations revealed that the aim of the anti-consolidation forces is to cause loss of public confidence in the banking industry and compel the Federal Government to move in by injecting funds. Further, they ultimately plan to instigate government to take equity holdings in the targeted banks.

Vanguard gathered that the group at work is made up of former bank owners who lost out during the consolidation exercise, a powerful clique in the present government, and some aggrieved persons in three of the six geopolitical zones in the country who felt left out in the consolidation exercise.

Presidency sources disclosed that those who felt left out in the consolidation exercise are up in arms to recoup what they felt they lost during Obasanjo years.

Part of the plans hatched by the group is to ensure that the incumbent Governor of the Central Bank, Professor Chukwuma Soludo, does not get a second term. The plan is also to ensure that whatever gains consolidation recorded are discredited.

This, it was learnt, was meant to force the President to act quickly in the matter of appointment of a successor to Soludo as they anticipate that the president’s slow move may scuttle their dreams and cause the renewal of Soludo’s re-appointment for a second term.

The group’s second game plan is to make Nigerian banks look unsafe in the eye of the banking public. Part of the game is to spread rumours that some banks are unsound and are on the verge of collapse. They send out text messages to individuals and account holders passing wrong information on their target banks. At the moment, the group’s target is one of the high-flying new generation banks where they have sent out several messages.

New CBN Gov, Auditor-General to emerge April

The tenure of the CBN Governor, Professor Chukwuma Soludo and Auditor-General of the Federation, Mr. O. R. Ejenavi from Delta State will lapse in May 2009.

Naming nominees for the top jobs, according to a presidency source, will afford the Senate ample opportunity to work on them before they assume office.

While Soludo will complete his first term in office as CBN governor by May 29, Ejenavi will be due for retirement on age grounds on May 18.

However, among those being considered for the position of CBN governor include the Minister of National Planning, Dr Shamsuddeen Usman from Kano, who was a former Finance minister and deputy governor at the apex bank; another former CBN deputy governor, Obadiah Mailafia from Nassarawa, Mallam Isa Hayatudeen from Borno, a former managing director of FSB International Bank, incumbent Managing Director of First Bank, Mallam Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, also from Kano, and Mallam Falalu Bello from Kaduna, Managing Director, Unity Bank.

But the most touted name so far is that of Mallam Isa Yuguda, the Bauchi State governor who won election on the platform of the All Nigeria peoples Party, ANPP, but defected to the ruling PDP last week. Yuguda is also an in-law of President Umaru Yar’Adua. Yuguda was also a former Managing Director of Inland Bank, a legacy bank in post-consolidation FinBank.

Past CBN governors include late Dr. Clement Isong (Akwa-Ibom), Alhaji Adamu Ciroma (Yobe); Mr. Ola Vincent (Lagos), late Alhaji Abdulkadir Ahmed (Bauchi); Mr. Paul Ogwuma (Abia), Dr. Joseph Sanusi (Ondo) and the current Professor Charles Soludo (Anambra).

It was also gathered that strict obedience to civil service rules will be observed in the appointment of a new Auditor General for the Federation going by the constitutional provision.

Section 86 Subsection 1 of the 1999 constitution states: “the Auditor-General for the Federation shall be appointed by the President on the recommendation of the Federal Civil Service Commission, subject to the confirmation of the Senate.”

That of the CBN may be determined by other factors, mostly political considerations which are at the pleasure of the President without recourse to the commission.

The most senior director in the office of the Auditor-General currently is Mr. Ogunsina G.F from Ekiti State who may be appointed unless there is political maneuvering. Having been a director since 2004, it may not be smooth sailing for Ogunsina because, there is another senior civil servant Mr. Osonuga T. A. from Ogun State who was promoted a director in 2007 and is being propelled by other forces to occupy the office.

It’s unfortunate top 5 banks are targeted, says official

A CBN official who spoke on condition of anonymity said that it is unfortunate that top five banks are the target. The banks, he said, are sound. The CBN had mistaken in the past the ongoing move as de-marketing by competitors in the banking industry, saying it is unhealthy competition.

The group is using this means to make depositors panic and undertake massive withdrawal of funds from the targeted banks in an attempt to cause liquidity problem in the bank. In that state they hope to cause a take over by the government which may buy a stake in the bank and later sell to members of the privileged group who may be appointed in the interim into the board of the banks.

Arewa worries over liquidity problem

However, the Arewa Consultative Forum (ACF) expressed concern over what it described as the rapidly deteriorating liquidity situation in the banking industry and tasked the Central Bank (CBN) to inform the people the cause of the development as well as the scale of the crisis.

ACF said that the commercial banks must have obviously lent too much money to people who either invested them in buying stocks or in the importation of petroleum products in the country, but are unable to repay such loans.

A statement signed by the National Publicity Secretary of the Forum, Mr. Anthony Sani however blamed the CBN for enquiring “into the volume of the so-called toxic assets of the commercial banks while refusing to tell Nigerians how or why in the first place, the banks found themselves in trouble.

The statement reads “The Working Committee of the National Executive Council of the Arewa Consultative Forum (ACF) held its meeting at its national headquarters in Kaduna on Tuesday, the 17th of March 2009. In attendance were all National officers of the ACF drawn from the 19 northern states and the Federal Capital Territory (FCT). General IBM Haruna, the Chairman presided.

“Among other things, the meeting reviewed and discussed a number of issues and other troubling developments in the country. At the end, it resolved to issue the following statement.

“The ACF deliberated on the rapidly deteriorating liquidity situation in the banking industry and observed that Nigerians are feeling increasingly frustrated by the failure of the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) to disclose the true the true nature and the scale of the crisis.

“Even members of the National Assembly, despite their best efforts, have been unable to get to the truth of the matter.
According to Arewa consultative forum “All that seem obvious is that our commercial banks had lent out too much money to too many people who had invested them in stocks or petroleum importation but who are now unable to pay back. Beyond that, the public has no clear idea as how or why the loans were given and on what terms.”

http://www.vanguardngr.com/2009/08/26/group-plots-takeover-of-five-top-banks/comment-page-13/

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Fellas, our creative neighbours have discovered new ways of laying ambush for unsuspecting lagosians. The latest trick now works like this.

1. You park your car at the mall, an eatery, a cinema or church.
2. Someone removes your number plate, the one closest to the wall or another car.
3. You get in the car and drive off
4. Someone in okada or taxi or any car flags you down brandishing your number plate in your face (you recognize it cos its yours and you are not like me – I don’t know mine!)
5. You slow down and park hoping to tip the good samaritan and continue your mugu journey but the “well-meaning” lagosian shows you his red eye and robs you pants down, if possible, steal your car.
6. You are now officially on your own. If you are mature enough to follow protocol (your best bet), you call the police, go home take a bathe, thank God for preserving your life and sleep your sorrows away. Joy cometh in the morning brother. Next time. Next freaking time, obey your instincts.

What do we do?
You now need to check both number plates before leaving the parking lot, either way, do NOT stop even if someone on bike (okada) or another car shows you your mother’s head, in fact, exercise your rights on the wheels, NO SPEED LIMIT!

ps: It could be your scarf, notebook, mobile phone, but whatever it is, just let it go.

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Oshodi Lasgidi Driving, no bumper 2 bumper

25 RULES OF ENGAGEMENT, Lagos Driving 101

1. When in doubt, accelerate!

2. Be prepared to ram anything stoping you wearing uniform in Lagos (police, traffic warden,FRSC, Kai brigade, fire brigade, VIO, lastma, lamata, laswa, even lawma sef)

3. If you get caught by any chance, DO NOT allow them to enter your car, if they happen to get in DO NOT drive from that spot (vere off traffic & settle 5hun), and if they don’t agree, form calling your uncle who is in the army (believe me it always works), never follow them to ANY sort of office except you wanna pay X10

4. Never give police or VIO your original particulars (whether expired or up to date)

5. Danfo drivers believe they are immortal. NEVER yield to the temptation to teach them otherwise.

6. Okada riders have a pact with suicide, avoid them like a plaque

7. Avoid BRT buses in all ramifications, they have NO brakes

8. Taxi cabs (oko asewo) should always have the right of way, all of them have been driving in Lagos for 25yrs.

9. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.

10. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. Survival of the fittest you may say!

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. In Lagos, potholes (and sometimes car-holes) are put in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and shock absorbers,( I saw one man fishing in one of the potholes last week).

12. There is no such thing as “one-way”in Lagos. Expect traffic from any direction at all times. The okada riders are the experts in this area.

13. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork, except you want to spend ur whole saturday @ the panel beater’s place.

14. Morning rush-hours are equivalent to Lagos grand prix (who gets to the junction first)

15. There is no such thing as a short-cut during rush-hour traffic in Lagos. Everybody might be inclined to take that ’short-cut’.

16. When asking for directions, always ask at least 3 people. Lagosians ALWAYS claim to know every inch of the city – even areas they’ve never been to.

17. Use extreme caution when pulling into service lanes. Service lanes are not for breaking down the traffic, but for speeding, especially during rush hour.

18. Never use directional signals, since they only confound and distract other Lagos drivers, who are not used to them.

19. Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. Lagos drivers, unused to such courtesies, will think you are making obscene gestures to them. This could be very bad for you in Lagos.

20. Hazard lights (popularly called “double pointer”) is not, (as commonly supposed) used to indicate a hazard. It is a warning to you that he is a bonafide Lagos driver, he’s headed ’straight’ and as such, will not stop under any circumstance. Take him extremely seriously especially if he backs it up with a continuous blast from his “horn”.

21. At any given time, do not stand on the zebra crossing expecting traffic to yield to you, or else you will have to explain to the on coming traffic whether you look like a zebra.

22. Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel guilty.

23. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.

24. In Las Gidi every spot is a potential bus stop. FRSC and LASTMA know that too. It is in their constitution.

25. Above all, keep moving. Even with a flat tire!!!

HORNING IN LAGOS

- ‘Horn’ when someone executes a dangerous manoeuvre.

- ‘Horn’ when you’re about to move off.

- ‘Horn’ when you’re about to overtake.

- ‘Horn’ when someone is about to overtake you.

- ‘Horn’ when turning into a road.

- ‘Horn’ when emerging from a road.

- ‘Horn’ back when someone horns at you. It’s considered good etiquette.

- ‘Horn’ when you hear a chorus of horns. Don’t worry if you don’t know what all the ‘horning’ is about.

- ‘Horn’ when you’re happy.

- ‘Horn’ to the beat when you’re playing music in your car.

Good luck, as you expeditiously navigate through Lagos and hustle and bustle!

Source: Mayowa Owoeye (facebook notes)

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Opambata, Eyo o!

Lagos Laws: Alms to beggars, loittering & littering can lead to jail.

Giving of alms to beggars – 1 month imprisonment. Wandering in any premises – 3 month to 1 year imprisonment. Suspected thief with no proven means of livelihood, 3 months to 1 year imprisonment. It is an offence to dispose of scrap papers, newspapers, sweet wrappers, fruit skins, water sachets or similar refuse anywhere except little bins within the Lagos Central Business district. Offenders will be liable to a fine of not less than N1, 000.00

Just imagine me, cruising my nano, ‘jeje-ly’, it’s hot and my a/c is blowing flames so I decide to feel the cool breeze only cos as hungry as I am, Gala has been banned, I’m watching out for “red” bikes coming too close too, cos LagosMet said it’s not safe (security-wise), Just in front of me, I see a “check point”, my heart is beating fast cos I left home without my license,  I narrowly escaped and see a child beggar right in front, another trying to clean my windscreen, I decide to help (not that kind of lagos erotic help o!) and then remember that I could end up in jail this very night… yet Lagos is not the worst place to work. Joor oh! Mi o le fi handcuffs she bracelet o!

THE PUBLICATION

In the initiative to re-enforce Law and Order around the Lagos Central Business District, the Lagos State Government hereby draws the attention of the general public to the following PUBLIC DISORDER OFFENCES, contained in the CRIMINAL CODE AND ENVIROMENTAL SANITATION LAW 2003 LAWS OF LAGOS STATE and the sanction that maybe imposed upon conviction.

1    BEGGING FOR OR GATHERING OR COLLECTING ALMS IS PROHIBITED WITHIN THE LAGOS CENTRAL BUSINESS DISTRICT:

1    Outer and Inner Marina
2    Broad Street
3    Balogun Street
4    Martins Street
5    Nnamdi Azikiwe Street
6    Eko Bridge
7    Carter Bridge
8    Apongbon Street
9    Idumagbo Avenue
10    Campbell Street
11    Breadfruit Street
12    Tinubu Street
13    Abibu Oki Street
14    Oke Olowogbowo Street
15    Davis Street
16    Adeniji Adele Street
17    Church Street
18    Docemo Street
19    Odunlami Street
20    Iga Idunganran Street
21    Ereko Street
22    Kakawa Street
23    Campos Street
24    Bamgbose Street
25    Alli Balogun Street
26    Ehingbeti (Marina Foreshore)
27    Ebute Ero
28    Force Road
29    King George Road
30    All Flyovers in Lagos Island

It is an offence to give alms to any person begging for alms within the Lagos Central Business District.

Offenders will be liable to one (1) month imprisonment and suffer punishment for subsequent offences.
www.LagosMet.com
2    Every Person found wandering in or upon or near any premises or in any road or highway or any place adjacent thereto or in any public place within the Lagos Central Business District at such time or under such circumstances as to lead to the conclusion that such a person is there for an illegal or disorderly purpose shall be deemed to be a rouge or vagabond and is guilty of a misdemeanor and is liable to imprisonment for three (3) months and one (1) year upon subsequent conviction.
3    Every suspected person or reputed thief who has no visible means of subsistence and cannot give an account of himself found within the Lagos Central Business District shall be deemed to be a rouge or vagabond and is guilty of a misdemeanor and is liable to imprisonment for three (3) months and one (1) year upon subsequent conviction.

1.    Extortion by tout or miscreants is prohibited on all streets within the Lagos Central Business District.

2.    LITTERING OF THE STREETS WITHIN THE LAGOS CENTRAL BUSINESS DISTRICT IS PROHIBITED.

It is an offence to dispose of scrap papers, newspapers, sweet wrappers, fruit skins, water sachets or similar refuse anywhere except little bins within the Lagos Central Business district. Offenders will be liable to a fine of not less than N1, 000.00

3.    DEFECATING OR URINATING IN THE DRAINAGE OR OPEN SPACES WITHIN THE LAGOS CENTRAL BUSINESS DISTRICT.

It is an offence to defecate or urinate in the drainage or open spaces within the Lagos Central Business District. Offenders will be prosecuted and upon conviction liable to a fine between N5, 000.00 & N 10,000.00.

4.    STRUCTURE ON ROAD SET BACK & ABUSE OF OPEN SPACE AND WALK PATH.

It is an offence to erect any structure on the road set back and walk path of any highway within the Lagos Central Business District and any open space within the district.

No person shall use any road set back or walk path or open space within the Lagos Central Business District for a mechanic workshop.
Offenders will be prosecuted and upon conviction liable to a fine between N5,000.00 & N10,000.00.

Persons convicted of any of these offences maybe ordered to render community service under the provisions of the Law.

Eko o ni baje o!

BIG thanks to Chinwe for putting this together.

Joke of the day. Let’s visit the court of law as this grannie is being tried for disobeying the laws of the state…

Grandma prolly knows you too!

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The Police is your friend

FRSC (Road Safety), VIU (MOT), Customs, LASTMA, Lagos KAI and Nigeria Police

LagosMet Rainy Season: My do’s and don’ts for motorists and passengers – How to survive the rainy season.

If you do not have Certificate of Roadworthiness (not M.O.T.) quickly get yours from the authorised source ASAP, that’s to start with. Another issue that’s likely to cause confusion and ultimately, extortion is the issue of Tax Clearance Certificate for tax payers. Have you been told that your vehicle particulars, license, number plates or even your car itself are illegal? Have you seen the “men of the force” break or tear these before your very eyes? Have you been “stopped and searched” by the “authorities” only to find bullets or marijuana in your car without knowing how they got in there? Have you ever bribed a policeman? Have you ever been threatened with an “official” weapon or with “detention”? Have you been physically assaulted? Have you escaped LASTMA by whiskers? Do you feel your heart pop out of your chest when you sight the FRSC? Did you fill your vehicle forms by yourself or did you “runs” it? Have you ever unknowingly ventured into the opposite direction of a “one-way” road? Did you get away with it during the day?

Warning!!!: Always go out with photocopies of your documents (except for the driver’s license) and ensure you have at least 500 naira in your safe.

This is one never ending topic – I can’t even compile all in one month. I’ll take a little at a time, and then like Nollywood, I’ll give you part 1, part 2… Firstly, I’ll start with what you probably know. Before you go with me, please see Traffic Offences and Fines in Lagos State

A punch reporter writes:

“It is always difficult to complete the payment process in one day, even if the arrest/booking was made in the morning. By implication, the impounded vehicle will pass the night in the custody of the VIOs. And that means paying extra for demurrage. But having an MOT certificate may not be enough to be out of the VIOs’ trouble as some of the documents are adjudged to be fake.Having a fake MOT is as bad as not having any at all.”

Police documents (I mean what they need to see when they stop you)
1. Vehicle Particulars gummed to your Windscreen
2. Driver’s license
3. 3rd Party Insurance
4. Occasionally, P.of.O. (proof of ownership) – here they may question you on your relationship with the owner if the car is not yours.
5. Seat Belt (you’ll be shocked)
6. Stop and search (the law is – you should search a policeman thoroughly before allowing him to search your vehicle. Several people ended up behind bars for refusing to bribe the police. By right, a policeman can search you if there is a warrant for a missing laptop (e.g.) with the serial number matching yours. You must search a police officer before allowing him to search you, if you don’t want to end up on crime fighters.
7. Crash Helmet
8. Wetin you carry (in your trunk). Always ensure all glasses are up before going to the trunk of your car, they can easily throw stuff in it.

LASTMA
1. Driver’s license
2. Central Unlock (I’m not joking, they are ever ready to jump in if you let your guards down)
3. Your key (if you are really dumb)
4. Other police documents including certificate of roadworthiness (if you don’t know your right)
5. Seat Belt (very very important)
6. Baby in front seat (serious trouble)

Generally, LASTMA attempts to do FRSC duties as the former is tied to internal routes while the latter should only man federal roads. This implies that LASTMA can charge you for receiving calls without using headset, while driving.

FRSC and maybe, VIO/VIU
1. Driver’s license
2. General Vehicle Registration info
3. Fire extinguisher
4. Jack, Wheel Spanner, C-Caution, trafficators, inner lights, all the lights, horn, wipers, tyres …
5. Original number plates
6. Baby in front seat (very serious trouble)

So much to mention… I’ll update this with time, you can bookmark this page (safe).

Now back to the issue of TCC. If you pay tax, get your Tax Clearance Card, it’s likely to become the next pot-hole for unsuspecting motorists. We know our law enforcement (or law breaking) agents love making money out of “Government orders” like limit on old imported cars, right hand driving, the old odd number – even number plate driving days e.t.c. Now I’ll give a brief report on my people.

1. The Police: You almost cannot avoid them, even on Sunday Morning, and on their day, you can never be right. Here, Tokunbo captures the yellow fever as they attempt to stop a real Lagosian. Here again, a policeman is sentenced to death for killing a civilian over 20 naira bribe. While some are villains, a few are heroes who stand up to defend the civilians whose funds were used to purchase the guns they carry about, in order to protect us. I’ve met a few true policemen, seriously. Depending on how you handle a policeman, he is potentially your friend. Know when to smile and when to bone. Remember, you can get out of ANY police situation if you know how to ‘relate’, without paying a dime even if you are driving a big car. I’ve done it a few times (but I sent recharge cards afterwards o!). For RRS, please cooperate with orders, for ARS please, I beg of you please please please, be extremely cooperative and observant. I guess they have the license to kill. If you have links to lawyers or military men, you are 50% above the law. If you have links within the police, hmm some 80%, if DPO and above, 99%, if Commissioner or IG, 100% FREE!

LASTMA ready to tow

2. LASTMA: Hmm, I’ve made a few friends with these guys, highest i’ve paid – 1,000 naira. A few times, I got away. If you’ve got some military (Army, Navy, Air Force) or even Combatant MOPOL sticker, you are 99% above the law. If you leave home before 6:00am and leave your office after 7:30pm, you most likely won’t encounter any of the law enforcement agents (except of course, our friends – the Police). On Awolowo Road, they come with the police to move all vehicles parked on the sides and you pay at least 15,000 naira to get your car back. Woe betide those without military stickers (by now you can see that this is more important than all your documents put together). Now you are thinking these guys are not dangerous cos they aren’t armed? You are totally wrong! Here LASTMA officials killed a passenger with an umbrella.  Elsewhere, a LASTMA official stands trial for collecting 10,000 naira from a car owner, see yawa. Lastma sacks 24 (http://thepmnews.com/2009/01/28/lastma-sacks-24)More?

See Contact details of Top LASTMA, LAMATA, Drainage e.t.c. officers and executives.

FRSC on fire

3. FRSC: These guys don’t listen to shite. They move you (tow, fly, pull, drag) to their office where you pay and get your receipt so you can put it in a frame and display it in your living room! These guys could be ruthless though, two Sundays ago, I saw an ugly scene at Ilupeju Bypass where an FRSC official brought out a brand new special (maybe official) axe and attempted to axe a motorist who was pleading with him, everyone around took to their heels, I was about slowing down, but man, i thought of my mother (mama dey for house like Fela said) and stepped on it.

Here, Tayo Odukoya pictures the FRSC living what they preach. An FRSC car goes up in flames with no fire extinguisher (Ironic, isn’t it?).

4. Others KAI, VIU e.t.c they come up everyday. Some factions wear purple, some lemon green and green, some yellow, red, pink, some have 24-bit colours! like the ones on Ligali Ayorinde Street who report to their Oga at the Local Government Secretariat and arrest you for slow driving or looking out of your window or illegal “trafficating” or stopping. As for inter-state routes, the Customs are all out looking for Cotonou-imported cars, impounding them and charging as high as 250,000 naira for fake customs papers. More on that later.

All these haven’t gone unnoticed as Gov. Fashola declares war on such indiscipline and threatens to sanction such corrupt people.

Acronyms (in zig-zag “order”)

RRS – Rapid Response Squad

ARS – Anti-Response Squad

MOT – Ministry of Transportation Certificate

MOPOL – Mobile Police

FRSC – Federal Road Safety Corporation (no mercy)

Police – NPF or Olopa (our best friends – seriously)

Traffic Warden - Yellow Fever (Red top or light green reflectors on Police Uniform, usually more peaceful and more useful unless flanked by the Police or LASTMA or both)

VIO – Vehicle Inspection Officer

VIU – Vehicle Inspection Unit (Yellow with diagonal black stripes)

KAI – Kick Against Indiscipline

LASTMA – Lagos State Traffic Management Authority

P of O - Proof of Ownership

Traffic – Means real go slow!

To be continued…

Joor oh! Mi o le fi ARS ta eyin o! (Please, I don’t joke with the Anti-Robbery Squad)

Joke of the day: WarriTV reports on the Niger Delta Crisis (wafi pidgin, youtube)

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Typical Lagos setting, Pre-Fashola Oshodi to be precise

This is Lasgidi – A Poem

Can't beat those hell of horns
Noisy and noisy to the core
Always a big day for the dons
Crime's like a household chore

She tells lies all the time
About a hundred per second
'Makes sure you're left without a dime
And the whore's off in a second

Put your guns down
Testosterone obsessed guys at it again
Continues from dusk till dawn
'Guess tis the cops and the villains

In section 4 of the state code
Oh no, it's over the bar
Mr. Man "commot" for road
The court, soccer and a yellow car

Here is the millennium's pandemonium
Only a hundred people voted in the elections
Movies draw "Lagosians" to the auditorium
Then bribery, corruption and extortion

Street kids, handicapped and crippled
Jaundice, malaria and Insomnia
Phone, rent and clinic bills tripled
Madness, insanity and Schizophrenia

There is more you need to know
Almost everyone seems about it bogus
Can't understand? Lay low
This is the much-dreaded Lagos

XSI 02/08/2002

I wrote this some 7 years ago. Forgive my errors but point them out. Thanks.

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The world’s best place to live in, the worst place to work

Lagos Island

I tried real hard not to discuss this topic but I have since found myself caught in the middle of such arguments initiated by first time visitors to Lagos. Work is still on going and I sincerely believe Lagos will be the best place on earth to work when issues such as security, drainage and traffic have been resolved.

AOL’s survey: http://video.aol.com/video-detail/lagos-voted-worst-place-to-work/2278408703/?icid=VIDLRVNWS04 reported that voters decided human beings should not work in Lagos.

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Result:

No. 1 Lagos, Nigeria

Overall Grade: Very High Risk Location
Severe Problems: Infrastructure, Crime
Major Problems: Pollution, Disease & Sanitation, Medical Facilities, Availability of Goods and Services
Other Problems: Climate, Education Facilities, Physical Remoteness, Political Violence & Repression, Political & Social Environment, Culture & Recreation
LagosMet Problems: All these in our Lagos Naija alone?

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Where do I start from? Talking about expatriates (cos they obviously participated in the voting process), war-torn countries such as Sudan, Iraq, Columbia, Liberia e.t.c miraculously failed to produce a City to top this “overblown” report and places such as Gaza, Darfur e.t.c. are not as bad as Lagos. Interesting innit? Apapa, V.I., Ikoyi, Surulere, Ilupeju harbour lots of expatriates from Americans, Europeans to Asians, South Americans and Africans. Lebanese, Japanese, Indian and Chinese are known to be notorious employers but are still making it big in Lagos and we are yet to see a massive exodus of such people. Many of them have settled in Lagos, have their spiritual places of worship and even contribute to the society and local organizations. They have their Schools (Indian School, Ilupeju, American International School, British International School, The Chinese School… and so on) and even have their vegetable markets. Even when Kidnapping seems to be the order of the day, expatriates are rarely kidnapped in Lagos.

Vegetable Market

We already know our roads need massive repairs, and power supply is almost non-existent, but we have tried our best to accomodate foreigners; why the negative report? From Y-not to Eko Hotel, Kuramo to Galleria, our “night fighters” have kept them warm in the land of heat, some even got married and had kids by them. Mobil for example have a huge staff quarters on Ligali Ayorinde, right next to their HQ. Chevron already have a similar structure somewhere around 4th round about, with members of staff (foreigners) relaxing comfortably in their sofas while others have staff buses and the rest is all history. Lagos is relatively peaceful.

The voters certainly had something else against Lagos beyond this and this is no good news to rebrand Nigeria. I think it’s time to rebrand Lagos and let our expatriates know that the best way to move our Metro forward is not to go to AOL or ABC or Business Week to say “Hey Fellas, Lagos is your Bermudas Triangle!”. They have probably tasted our food, visited our Hotels, Strip-clubs, Night Clubs, Coliseums, and Malls, and Gallerias and our wines and champaignes but have handed us a bottle of Napalm in return. We all know many of the problems we have in Lagos, but please (Joor Oh!) it’s not so so bad.

Eko o ni baje!

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Brothers and Sisters,

If you didn't know now you do.

LAGOS, NIGERIA: I don’t know how you’ll react to this message or revelation or reminder or piece of crap but one thing is sure; you will agree with me that these things do happen a lot around us so much that I can be forgiven to use the word “rampant”. Okay, when I blog, i leave so many things aside, i don’t mince words, for the sake of young readers I try to use dotted lines so you can, with your durrry mind, fill in the gap. Let’s leave religious hypocrisy and pretence aside and face the truth no one likes to talk about… cos you are probably one of them.

Relationships in Lagos, like in any Metropolis are usually dirty. I mean verbally dirty, morally dirty, spiritually dirty, socially dirty, financially dirty and maybe (sorry almost always) physically durrrry! Now where do I start from? Hmmmm…  Distance relationships! Common, you know what I mean, people need someone to hug and to hold, someone to hang out with, on thursday nights and weekends, in short someone to lust! Did you get that? Someone to lolox! Did I hear you say cheating? Come with me and see mums, dads, bosses, colleagues, siblings, friends and even partners getting help. Are you trying to cope with stress and depression from unemployment or the monster recession and just need to ease off? Okay I see you grabbing your cellphone, don’t dial 911 just yet, help’s on the way…

Okay let’s get down right serious. You ask someone, “Hey, what you doing with that person?”, you get the answer:

Her boyfriend’s in another Taraba State, I’m just helping her.

His wife’s 6 months pregnant, I’m helping him. No strings attached.

His wife’s out of town and my boyfriend’s in NYSC camp, we are helping each other.

Her boyfriend won’t be visiting till next week and we are next door neighbours, what’s bad in helping each other?

She’s away in another school and her boyfriend is on a course in the UK, I’m just trying to be of help to them.

You should know by now what the word “help” means – this has nothing to do with recharge cards or money. It’s plain, straight-to-the-point, no stories, durrry quickie sex – nothing to lose! If you haven’t heard the words Sharp Sharp, Kia Kia, Pa Pa Pa, One Time… now you know they mean “In a giffy”. It’s confusing when an individual tries to “help” so many people at the same time. It’s even more confusing when the needy ones know they are being helped by the same superman or superwoman. It’s part of the fun in Lagos innit?

The surprising thing is the abnormal understanding noticed in this type of relationship. It is firstly a relationship with no future or chance of getting anywhere, a higher version of the one night stand. If there is any exchange of any material nature, it’s simply mutual and not part of the plan as this is no sex-for-money thingy. You help in kind, not cash. Another thing is how people have evolved into loving one person and keeping such for marriage and at the same time helping a host of others who eventually show up to cheer their helpmates up at their wedding. For all I care, help goes on well after marriage even when both parties are married. A friend once told me his helpmate’s boyfriend called while they were helping each other but he was on another level and just couldn’t stop, even when she picked up the phone and the helpless one at the other end (who probably has his helpmate there too) could hear sounds of “torturing” over the phone… what a great way to retire to bed!

I’m not asking you to start suspecting your partner. Helpers are everywhere; schools, churches, neighbourhood, workplaces, dating/social networking sites (naijapals, facebook, legwork)… just name it. Age is no barrier when everyone is a potential helper, don’t be deceived by looks. I won’t go around asking you to “resist the devil and he will flee from you”, nope, I just believe if you are old enough to read through this blog, you can either say YES or NO to helping or being helped. And if you must help or be helped, please protect yourself so that your helpless partner can find you in one piece but know that you may not be able to “free” your erotic mind from your helpmate even when your partner returns. This could lead to a life of guilt, fear of blackmail, absent-mindedness, and depression if care is not taken. Risks as usual include breakup (busting), unwanted pregnancy, unwanted marriage, STDs, murder, rape (at the point of no return), ritual killing, robbery and so many ugly things. Nothing is entirely hidden you know. As you render helpful services, remember that someone could be helping your “love” elsewhere too. If your partner doesn’t trust you then someone is likely going to dial 911.

Do you still need help? Do you still want to help someone? Say it now, or forever hold your peace!

Joor Oh! Mi o le help Iya Arugbo O! (Please, I can’t “help” a grannie!)

Enjoy your weekend.

X.

A hunter with only one arrow does not shoot on impulse. – Naija Proverb

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Fellow Lagosians,

I’m going to be raw, blunt and natural. Like fashion, many street slangs come and go while some stay on for decades.

A commercial van "danfo" inscribed with the words "Aropin"

. I’ll assume slangs such as “carry go”, “wetin you carry?”, “no dulling”, “one chance”, “let’s go there”, “gbogbo bigs girls” and “fokasibe” have replaced the meaningful ones we used to have on buses such as “The downfall of a man…”, “The young shall grow”, “Let my enemies live long…”, “Eda ma ro mi pin”, “Safe journey”, “If God be for me…” e.t.c.

Nowadays, the reigning style is Jenifa’s, effectively adding an “S” to almost every word e.g. “I loves that boys”, “Whats is your names?”, “Threes millions nairas…” and ultimately, “Gbogbo bigs boys”. Majority of the quick words originate from the root language of Lagos, Yoruba although the lingua franca in Lagos is Pidgin / pigeon / broken English.

That brings me to the latest (possibly disgusting) slang on the streets now. And it’s just two words “Jooo Oh!…” (please) then some creative, possibly obscene words. I’ll leave you with three examples after which you can manufacture more for yourself. It’s fun if you catch the joke.

1. Jooh oh!… mi o le fi indomie pokunso o (Please I can’t hang myself with noodle strands – of course no one can!)

2. Jooh oh!… mi o le fi alakan se kan kan o (Please I can’t use a live crab as bathing sponge – can you?)

3. Jooh oh!… mi o le fi toothpick se post o (Please, I can’t make a goal post out of toothpick)

And it goes on and on and on and on. I had to manufacture those dry ones cos it’s basically raw-er than this.

… but I won’t say, still, just keep your ears out of the window or take a trip in a Danfo and wait for the trigger – JOOO OH (pronounced Chor Hoe)!

Joor Oh! Mi o le fi ejo she tie o!
Mi o le kirun niwaju BRT o!
Mi o le gba canal de Canada o! (from Efundola)

See Rubminds.Com for more Joor oh slangs.

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